Is this bad? It's a Dead Cert it is.

Dead Cert

Dead Cert is a truly dire British gangster/vampire mashup movie with the germ of a fun idea: modern London gangsters (as popularised by Guy Ritchie and Mathew Vaughan) meet vicious vampire bloodletting. Layer Cake meets From Dusk ‘till Dawn if you will.

Dead Cert tells of a gangland turf war in which reformed gangster Craig Fairbrass loses his beloved and newly opened lap dancing club to some dodgy eastern Europeans led by The Bill’s Billy Murray (!) in a bet over a bare knuckle boxing match that ends up killing Fairbrass’ man in the ring Apollo Creed style. Thinking he’s been cheated and feeling bitter about the death of his boxer (who was also his wife’s brother) Fairbrass recruits his old gang mates and heads back to the club to take out the Euro trash and reclaim his life. Only problem is said Euro trash is really a gang of ancient vampires keen to return to London and their long lost power base. Cue one hell of a bloody (awful) showdown in the club.

Dead Cert is a goofy and daft idea for a movie, but also a potentially fun idea. I say potentially cuz the idea is utterly squandered here. Let me list the main problems:

1. The script is awful with poor characters, naff dialogue and plotting that makes little sense (it is never explained exactly why the vamps want the club).
2. The acting is dull and wooden even from old pros like Dexter Fletcher.
3. The direction is flat and amateurish with no talent for shot composition, no sense of pace or flow to the story and no excitement or tension whatsoever.
4. The vamps are hilariously bad and about as scary as the Count from Sesame Street.
5. Billy Murray is in it.
6. Billy Murray produced it.
7. There is no humour at all…at least no intentional humour.
8. Craig Fairbrass is in it.

Arguably the most telling thing that this is utter rubbish is when you have the seasoned, always entertaining and frankly bonkers actor Steven Berkoff in what is essentially the Van Helsing role…and he’s as crap as everyone else. And when Berkoff is crap you know you’re in trouble.

It’s pretty obvious that the only way Dead Cert got made was due to favours from friends. I mean how else would you get the likes of Dexter Fletcher, Steven Berkoff, Jason Flemyng and Danny Dyer (in a blink and you’ll miss him cameo) in this rubbish? Okay, so maybe Danny Dyer. I can think of only one thing that I really truly enjoyed in Dead Cert and that was the presence of some very attractive young ladies in various roles - especially the gorgeous Lucinda Rhodes-Flaherty. But that’s just a very base male response that I’m not proud of and that has nothing to do with the quality or lack thereof of the film. But there it is anyway.

Bottom line: Dead Cert is dead awful. Avoid. (0/5)