Argento sucks the life out of Dracula

Dario Argento's Dracula 3D


Argento's version of Lucy's staking.


Coppola's version of the same scene.

And so here we have the latest adaptation of one of THE great works of horror literature, a new representation of one of the world's most enduring villains given to us by someone who was once an unquestioned master of horror cinema.

So it should be great, right? Something any self respecting horror fan should be gasping to see, right?

Um...

Well, first thing to say is that I didn't see Dario Argento's Dracula in 3D. Thank God!

Second thing to say is that, sadly, Dario Argento's Dracula 3D is a laughably terrible adaptation of Stoker's classic tale with, I'd imagine, the only worthwhile 3D in it being the extra dimensions added to the luscious Italian ladies of the cast who somehow ended up in this utter tosh. Okay, so the effortlessly sexy Asia Argento couldn't really say no to her role what with her legendary dad being co-writer and director. But what excuse for the rest? Judging by the cheap and shoddy production values it doesn't look as if the ladies could have made any money out of it. So, the lure of working for the (once) great man maybe?

That greatness has long since gone.

Argento's take on Drac comes across as something of a bastard offspring of Hammer's fun 50's romp Horror of Dracula mixed with elements of Coppola's awesome 1992 version. The entirety of the story takes place in the same small Eastern European town ala Horror, and it has a reincarnated love interest thing going on, as in Coppola's film. The only notable additions to the myth here is that the village elders seem to have entered in to a secret Faustian pact with Drac (Thomas Kretschmann with his scary side parting, looking and sounding like a cranky bank manager). It's a pact that sees the town get money and status out of Dracula's presence while Drac gets to suck on a few of its young lovelies in return. In to this comes librarian Jonathan Harker (Unax Ugalde – uncomfortable and wooden), employed by the Count to take stock of his castle's huge and dusty old library. Though this job offer soon turns out to be nothing but a ruse to lure Harker's demure young wife Mina (Marta Gastini - okay in her own petite, doe eyed innocent way) to the remote town seeing as how she bears a striking resemblance to Drac's long lost love. Of course, Harker gets vamped by buxom vampire bride Tania (Miriam Giovanelli – charismatically sexy and nicely ferocious) and promptly disappears, leading to Mina coming to town to find him. This also gives young Mina the opportunity to meet up with her old friend Lucy (Asia Argento - comatose), a bored local piano teacher who lives at home with daddy still. Not long after, Lucy pegs it due to Drac's suckage, and old codger Van Helsing (a sleepy and bored looking Rutger Hauer) turns up to try and kill Drac who he's been hunting for years. Cue lots of running around in woods, terrible CG effects, casual nudity, casual blood spilling and some of the worst performances ever from actors who should be so much better (Argento, Kretschmann, Hauer). I mean, who on earth casts the gorgeous and effortlessly sexy Asia Argento as a Lucy who is such a dull and boring go nowhere character? Yes, her role in the tale is to get vamped which then spurns our heroes on. But Lucy is supposed to be fun, wild, loving the boys, loving teasing the boys. I can see Asia doing that. I'd love to see Asia doing that. But no, here she is comatose with inaction. And yet daddy Argento still makes her get naked. Just the once mind. Gotta exploit your little girl's two biggest assets at least once per movie I suppose, right Dario?

I have no idea the budget for Dracula 3D but the movie sure looks cheap and is saddled with some of the most laughable CG effects seen in a mainstream film for a good long while. The script is appalling, filled with lines cheesier than a cheese cake made only of cheese, its plotting so haphazard and throwaway you'd think they were just making it all up as they went along. And worst of all, how on earth did the man who gave us the horrifically gorgeous, stylish and atmospheric Suspiria manage to make a film so utterly devoid of any style, atmosphere and tension? Okay, there are a couple of quite nice gore moments and maybe one reasonably effective jump scare. But that's it. The lighting is flat. The sets sparse and cheap. The FX laughable.

The sad truth is Argento couldn't even direct traffic anymore. Just watch how spectacularly he fluffs the staking of Vampire Lucy in her crypt sequence. Remember Coppola's take? Stunningly strange, bloody and genuinely creepy. Forget that here. It's hilarious. Like badly staged panto. No, the only things this movie has going for it is the undoubted sexiness and ferocious charm of Miriam Giovanelli as super hot vampire bride Tanya, giving by far the best performance in the film, and a wonderfully camp operatic rock song over the end credits.

In summation, Dario Argento's Dracula 3D is a bad film. A very bad film. There's no doubt about that. But at least it's not offensively bad in a Uwe Boll kind of way. It's just ultra cheap, cheesy and flatly made. It never makes you angry. In fact, it will probably make you laugh a fair bit. Also it's never boring due to the sheer hilarity of its camp awfulness. Approach it as a camp vampire panto and you might just have some fun. Still, it does make you wonder whatever happened to the man who made horror classics such as Suspiria and Tenebre. Disappointing then to say the least. But, hey, at least it's better than Wes Craven Presents Dracula 2000. Ugh! Now that's REAL Dracula suckage for you!

Third toy time is yet another charm

And so Pixar strikes again with TOY STORY 3, which against all the odds of sequel making turns out to be just as good as the previous two Toy Story films.

And you can’t get much better praise than that.

To be honest it should have come as no surprise. I mean they do have form, a LOT of form. But creating a third film in such a successful and high quality series is often a difficult task with the final result usually proving to be something quite a bit lesser than what came before. But not here. Why so? Simple really. Three things: story, story and story. Pixar invest so much time and effort in story and character. It is the beginning and end of everything they do. This (amongst other things) is what raises them to a level well beyond their animated competitors with the script for TOY STORY 3 being a perfect example. It is a precision machine of perfect storytelling yet it remains wonderfully warm with genuine emotional depth and layers of subtext. This new adventure for Woody, Buzz and the gang is based around the structure of a prison escape film, though with darker, deeper, more duplicitous undertones than, say, the great CHICKEN RUN from Aardman. Pixar know that we have to genuinely connect with and care about characters in order to fully invest in a story. And, boy, do we ever. Wait until you get to the big scary finale as together, hand in hand, the gang face certain doom. Lump in throat time. The main thrust of TOY STORY 3 is about moving on, learning to let go and finding new purpose in life. It is also about loss and how we deal with loss, a theme that has run through all three films. Pixar aren't afraid to confront these big important themes in their films. And bless them for doing so. For it's that extra emotional oomph that can, when done well and with genuine feeling, reduce a grown man to tears. Remember Jessie telling her heartbreaking tale of abandonment in TOY STORY 2? Remember Anton Ego's flashback to childhood in the glorious RATATOUILLE? Remember the utterly devastating first ten minutes of UP? I rest my case. TOY STORY 3 also contains allusions to faith including imagery of heaven and hell with things getting pretty dark and intense in places. But just as with the previous two, it is the theme of family and friendship and what that really means that underlies everything. However, never fear, for along with all of that serious stuff, TOY STORY 3 is also one heck of a laugh out loud funny film with Buzz Lightyear switched in to Spanish mode a particular highlight. This is pure comedy gold that allows the smitten space ranger to go all romantic Latin hero with Cowgirl Jessie. Brilliant! The film looks utterly gorgeous too, with Pixar going and raising the bar even higher for CG animation. Also, the 3D presentation works beautifully giving so much depth of field and sharpness to the image with no discernable motion blur. It is by far the best use of 3D since AVATAR. And then there is the cast. As always with these films the voice cast are perfection led by the now iconic work of Tom Hanks and Tim Allen as Woody and Buzz. There is also memorable work from new arrivals Michael Keaton as a conflicted Ken doll who finally finds his Barbie, Ned Beatty as the villainous, emotionally scarred bear Lots-o-huggin and Timothy Dalton as the classically trained hedgehog Mr Pricklepants.

I’m pretty confident that this will be the last of the Toy Story movies as it really does feel like an apt and fitting finale to the story of Woody, Buzz, Jessie, Rex, Slinky et al. And if it is to be their very last outing then they’ve sure gone out in style leaving the audience with big smiles on their faces and a few tears in their eyes, just as it should be. Simply put TOY STORY 3 is a total and utter joy to watch from its very first frame to its final heartfelt denouement.

So thank you Pixar, you’ve gone and done it again.

Like there was ever any real doubt. (5+/5)

Take me to Pandora. Now!

Seeing is believing on the world of Pandora. A recurring theme in Avatar is of seeing what is real and important around you. The Na'vi greeting is 'I see you' and the film is bookended with Jake Sully opening his eyes. Another theme is the world of dreams vs. reality. You can wake from a dream in to reality but can you wake from reality to live a dream? Characters are constantly being told to wake up and to see things they can't or won't see. And the Na'vi refer to human driven avatars as 'dreamwalkers.' It is James Cameron's way of saying to humanity, "Wake up and look around you. Look what you are doing to your home." It ain't a subtle message but it is one worth giving.

I had faith in James Cameron and he didn't let me down.

Avatar is a great movie and something to be experienced on the biggest screen possible in perfect quality 3D. The lush, intricate and stunningly beautiful bioluminescent world of Pandora is realised in huge sweeps and in minute details. Cameron takes us on a wondrous journey through this world, through its seas and skies and floating mountains and colourful rainforests as if he’d taken a natural history camera crew to a real and previously undiscovered location of infinite beauty and danger. It’s hard to imagine that this is all just ones and zeros on lots and lots of hard drives somewhere, as the world of Pandora feels genuinely alive. With its varied flora, fauna and wildlife all bound together in a complex ecosystem, this new world is a truly beautiful, hostile and thrilling place.

And then, on top of that, Cameron only goes and gives us the best and most believable CGI characters yet created.

The Na’vi are simply amazing. The level of performance capture and photo realism is far beyond anything previously managed with the dreaded dead eye that plagues most synthespians nowhere to be seen here. Quite the opposite in fact as the Na’vi’s eyes burn with feeling. But the technical side of their creation would mean nothing without the performances of the actors playing them. And they do great work especially the fabulous Zoë Saldana who makes leading lady Neytiri the single greatest synthespian character ever. And I don't care what anyone says, I say Neytiri is beautiful...even if she is eight feet tall and blue. Zoë's gestures and movements - be it subtle eye work, a twitch of a cheek muscle, a trembling lip, a ferocious snarl, a tiny giggle - are all captured perfectly. After a short time I totally forgot I was watching a CGI character. Neytiri is brave and ferocious yet gentle and wise. She is patient, funny, caring and ultimately forgiving. And Saldana nails it perfectly. Blue cat lady or no, how could any man not fall in love with her? The humans are all fine too with leading man Sam Worthington doing a solid if unspectacular job. Better is the legend who is Sigourney Weaver playing a scientist who runs the Avatar program and Stephen Lang as the nasty ‘shock and awe’ mercenary Colonel in charge of security at the human base and who's just itching for a fight.

Storywise Avatar is nothing original. The Dances with Wolves, Last of the Mohicans, Ferngully comparisons are all valid. But that’s fine as Cameron borrows elements from lots of other things too including Frank Herbert’s Dune and most notably to me Edgar Rice Burroughs’ tales of pulp sci fi fantasy in which human soldier John Carter gets mysteriously transported to Mars (or Barsoom as it’s known locally). On Mars Carter falls in love with a beautiful alien princess, becomes a great warrior, unites separate factions and leads them to fight off invaders and other threats. Just as in Avatar. Make no mistake Avatar is most assuredly pulp sci fi drawn from everything that James Cameron has read, watched and digested since he was a small boy. Cameron also borrows from his own back catalogue too. The hardware in Avatar is very Aliens inspired and the final intimate good guy vs. bad guy showdown is highly reminiscent of a certain legendary sci fi heroine encased in yellow metal telling a scary monster to “Get away from her you bitch!”

No matter what recycling is being done here (very fitting considering the films eco themes) Cameron is a consummate storyteller who can pull it all together in to a sparkling new, well-told package. He is also an unashamed romantic. All of his films have a love story at their core. They have heart and a passion for something but aren’t exactly what you’d call subtle in their ideas, themes and messages. Jim likes broad strokes and wears his heart on his sleeve. He says as much. But his broad strokes are always so much better than anyone else’s while being coloured by the finest of paints. Whatever you might think of his films this stuff comes from deep down inside of the man. He lives and breathes it. Nothing is done cynically. In Avatar what we get from Cameron is a huge and gorgeous pulp sci fi movie that tells a familiar cautionary tale about a ‘superior’ race exploiting and ultimately threatening to destroy a more ‘primitive’ indigenous race to selfishly take what it is they have. The eco message in the film is big and blatant. It is made clear that in this future humans have all but ruined Earth yet have learned nothing and are quite happy to do the same to another world. “On their world nothing green remains. They’ve killed their mother and now they want to kill ours,” says a Na’vi. Not subtle but poignant and, sadly, likely to be true if we carry on the way we are. So the story isn’t original or subtle. But what it is, though, is expertly told and emotionally engaging. And this makes it feel fresh. I swear the destruction of a tree (a very big tree) has never been as devastating as it is here. It’s a horrible, mindless, cruel image that evokes memories of 9/11 and other similar atrocities. A reminder of just how callous and cruel humanity can be.

Avatar's structure follows Cameron’s usual steady, methodical plotting and storytelling style. A patient build up with time to meet the characters and get to know a bit about who they are and what they are after. All the while enough information is given in small enough chunks to be easily absorbed. Elements are set up throughout the film, which come in to play later on and pay off handsomely. His pacing is spot on. At two hours forty minutes Avatar never feels like a long film as all too soon we have come to the giant finale. And what a finale it is. It’s an epic, mythic showdown; a massive battle between human gunships and Na’vi flying on dragon beasties in the skies while on the ground infantry and powersuited human mercenaries battle Na’vi armed with only bows and arrows and some charging creatures. It is huge scale but filmed exactly how something like this should be filmed - meaning not with crazy random destruction and epileptic editing ala Transformers 2 (I hate that film). Nope, this battle is structured and has clear goals and obstacles with clever tactics being employed. It is also personalised so we follow the characters we care about and will them on to win, or at least to survive.

Other technical aspects are top notch. The production design is intricate and detailed, as you’d expect from a Cameron film. The cinematography by Mauro Fiore is beautiful with muted blues and greys and deep shadows for the humans while being lush, colourful and glowing for the Na’vi. James Horner’s score is fine and services the story nicely. He does do his usual trick of cannibalising past themes here and there – a bit of Star Trek 2, a bit of Aliens. Was that Titanic? But it sounds nice and is fairly unobtrusive. The main theme (which forms the basis of the theme song ‘I See You’ sung by Leona Lewis) is a pretty piece of music and is used to good emotional effect throughout.

So, anything that I didn’t like or that bugged me? Very few films are perfect and you can usually find things that niggle in most. Avatar is no exception. If I was to nit pick then some of the (human) dialogue gets just a tad cheesy at times. Also some of the characterisation felt a bit lacking. I really wanted to know a bit more about what made Jake Sully tick, why Michelle Rodriguez’s pilot acts as she does. But more importantly I wanted more time finding out about life among the Na’vi. Jake stays with them for three months but most of that is in montage. Could we not have had more of him spending time amongst The People and forging deeper bonds so we get to know more about them as individuals? We do get to know the big and important stuff while rightly focussing on Jake’s burgeoning relationship with Neytiri. So I guess I’m just being greedy here. I’d have loved to have seen more day to day life amongst the Na’vi. Seeing their kids at play, how their families functioned, Jake making some friends’ maybe.

To sum up - I loved every second of Avatar and can’t wait to see it again. The way I measure the personal success of a film is by how I’m feeling near its end. If I truly love a film, then when I’m watching it I’m hoping for it not to end, dreading leaving its world behind. Not many films get that reaction from me. The last one being Let The Right One In. Avatar is beautifully made pulp sci fi, a lush imaginative epic with a soft heart and a thumping fist. It is broad strokes story telling, which is what James Cameron does. And he does it so very, very well. Long live the King of the World.

Get me a seat on the next shuttle back to Pandora.