BUFFY: 7.1 “LESSONS”

Big Bads are back!


WRITER: Joss Whedon

DIRECTOR: David Solomon

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

In Istanbul, Turkey a young girl is chased through the streets by a group of creepy looking people in cloaks before being caught and brutally killed. Back in Sunnydale and it's a new school year and Dawn is starting at the all new Sunnydale High 2.0 which has been built on the site of its exploded predecessor. However, based upon her own experiences at the school's previous incarnation, Buffy is having a serious case of the nerves about her lil sis starting at the new Sunnydale High. At first Dawn thinks her big sis is being way too over protective and is worrying needlessly but a run in with a group of apparently vengeful spirits soon has Junior Summers and some new friends calling for emergency Slayer assistance. Meanwhile in England a remorseful Willow is learning to be herself again under the tender tutelage of Giles.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

On one hand this episode is about fear. Fear of the past, the future, the unknown. Fear that your own life experiences, your own past will repeat and come back to haunt those you love and are responsible for. Buffy is afraid for Dawn. She is scared that Dawn will suffer the same high school traumas she did. But Buffy also knows that that is often unavoidable in life and that all you can do is to prepare youngsters as best you can before sending them out there, which is what she does by training Dawn in how to handle a vampire by herself. But Buffy also knows enough to let Dawn know to never be afraid to ask for help if she needs it as is shown by the cell phone she gives Dawn as a gift at the start of the Ep. and which comes in very useful later on. On the other hand this episode is also a short presee of what this entire season will be about: Power. Finding it, sharing it and using it.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Sunnydale High's vengeful spirits who seem to blame the living for their unnatural deaths and want to make them all suffer.

Creepy robed people hunting and killing a young girl.

An evil entity who appears to loony basement living Spike by taking on the forms of all previous Buffy Big Bads (minus Angelus) as well as, finally, the form of the Buffster herself.

WHY IT ROCKS

It is a Joss script so has some solid thematic depth, strong character work, funny moments and also sets up where everybody is both physically and emotionally while also laying the thematic and story groundwork for the rest of the season.

Director David Solomon manages to create at least two genuinely effective jump scares.

James Marsters gets to play a credibly loony Spike.

All previous Big Bads cameo (with the exception of Angelus) – great to see them again.

Cell phones finally make it to Sunnydale.

Buffy gets to make an effective weapon out of a handbag and some bricks and then wields it in a short but pretty cool fight scene.

Willow and Giles in England. Yes, actual real England.

WHY IT SUCKS

The basic story of the vengeful spirits at the school is pretty thin and in and of themselves they are not very scary.

This Ep. has a lousy phlebotnum i.e. "any magical or mystical force or event that arises in the process of inventing the Buffy mythology/or advancing the plot". It is just some random talisman Buffy finds lying around in the school bathroom which needs to be broken in order to vanquish the spirits. No explanation is ever given as to what it is or where it comes from or who put it there.

After a nice establishing matte shot the streets of Istanbul are clearly that overly familiar 'generic foreign town' set on the Universal back-lot.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

The end monologue of the evil entity to poor nutty Spike as it lays out what it wants and what is to come while purposefully transforming from one previous Big Bad to another, ending finally as Buffy herself, telling Spike that none of this is about right or wrong, it is about power!

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Xander (To Buffy): "The last two principals were eaten. Who’d even apply for that job?"

Vampire (to Buffy & Dawn whilst trying to get out of his grave): “Excuse me. I think I'm stuck.”

Buffy (after Xander asks how she is): “My sister's about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.”

Buffy (to Dawn): “Oh, we have to leave, though. Do you have everything? Books? Lunch? Stakes?”

Drusilla (to Spike): "That's where we go."
Master: "Right back to the beginning. Not the bang, not the word- the true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we’re all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You’ll learn you’re a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn’t sunk in already. Look at you. Tried to do what’s right. Just like her... You still don’t get it. It’s not about right, not about wrong..."
Buffy: "...it’s about power."

AND ANOTHER THING

Joss wrote this episode but did not direct. He only wrote and directed one episode this season – Chosen, the series finale. He was kinda busy with a little show called Firefly.

Dawn's school friend Kit is played by Alexandra Breckenridge who most recently played Jessie Anderson in seasons 5 & 6 of AMC's the Walking Dead.

The character of Principle Wood as played by DB Woodside was written as gender non specific and with the gender neutral name of Robin Wood as Joss didn't know at the time what they were going to do with the character. It was only after casting DB Woodside that Robin Wood became male and developed the back story he would go on to have this season.

The scenes of Willow and Giles in England were indeed shot in England. Joss, Alyson Hannigan and her soon-to-be hubby Alexis Dennisof were in England in summer 2002 and were staying with Tony Head at his home just outside Bath. The house and the land you see in the scenes are Tony Head's actual house and farmland.


HOW MANY STAKES?

It's a hard lesson so 3 stakes (out of 5)

BUFFY 6.22 ‘GRAVE’

The Dark Willow story

WRITER: David Fury
DIRECTOR: James A. Contner

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Giles is back! He battles Dark Willow and manages to best her…temporarily. But soon Willow is free again and forcing Buffy to take off after Xander, Dawn, Andrew and Jonathan to save them from a seeking fireball Willow launched after them. Buff saves them just in time, but gets herself and lil sis trapped below ground in a collapsed section of graveyard. Meanwhile back at the Magic Box and Giles lies beaten and broken, the store in ruins, Anya by his side. Willow drained him of all his borrowed power and in doing so she became connected to every living thing on Earth. Being dark still she focuses in on every human being’s pain. And determined to end that pain, she decides to destroy the world!

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

It’s all about the pain. What else in a Joss Whedon TV show?

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Dark Willow

WHY IT ROCKS

Giles is back! ‘nuff said.

Have a laugh: Buffy is so happy to see Giles and unloads on him all the grief that has happened to her and the gang in his absence. Giles stares at her with quiet sombre concern…only to then break in to uncontrollable laughter at the insanity of it all. Buff quickly joins him. And it is most amusing.

Spike: the platinum vamp, bloodied and bruised, completes the trials and gets what he wanted.

WHY IT SUCKS

Huh?: Okay, so I get what they were aiming for with this series finale – bringing our characters back to simple emotional truths about themselves and each other, having them realise what growing up is really all about. BUT… it gets fluffed. Xander stopping Willow and saving the world by saying “I love you” and reminding her about a yellow crayon she broke in kindergarten? Really? And Buffy’s realisation that she doesn’t want to be protecting Dawn from the world but wants to be showing it to her is beyond cheesy. The dialogue is pure bad soap opera.

Evil temple: So there is apparently a conveniently buried satanic temple on a cliff top which Willow can raise up and use to destroy the world. Um…okay. That came from out of nowhere. Talk about handy last minute plot contrivance. Sigh.

ITS BUFFTASTIC

Giles and Buff having a good ol’ laugh

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Willow: "Uh-oh. Daddy's home. I'm in wicked trouble now."
Giles: "You've no idea.”

Buffy: "Everything's been so.. Dawn's a total klepto, Xander left Anya at the altar and Anya became a demon again. And I.. I'm so.. I've been sleeping with Spike."

Anya: "Giles? Giles! Don't die.. not yet. I.. there are.. I need to tell you... Thanks a lot for coming. I mean, it was nice of you to teleport all this way.. Though, in retrospect, it might have been better if you hadn't come and given her all that magic that made her ten times more powerful.. that would have been a plus."

Willow: "Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?"
Xander: "Well, I was going to walk you off the cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony."

AND ANOTHER THING

Grave marks the first (and only) Buffy series finale not to be written and directed by Joss Whedon. And you can tell. Joss was busy with Firefly at the time and only wrote one episode this season - Once More, With Feeling. But boy, what an episode.

If you look closely at the devastated Magic Box, there's a smouldering William Shatner book on the floor. Poor charred Shatner.

The song played at the end of the episode is Prayer Of St. Francis, by Sarah McLachlan and is a rare track which appeared on the bonus disc originally included with the limited edition double CD release of her Surfacing album in 1997.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Not quite ready for the grave 2.5 (out of 5)



And so concludes my Buffy season 6 retrospective/review. Tune in soon for season 7.

BUFFY: 6.21 ‘TWO TO GO’

UK episode promo

WRITER: Doug Petrie
DIRECTOR: Bill Norton

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Dark Willow continues her violent warpath through Sunnydale, grabbing power where she can as she seeks out the two remaining members of the Trio – Andrew and Jonathan. Along the way there are more confrontations with Buffy in which the Slayer comes off worse. In a destructive showdown at the Magic Box it appears our black eyed girl has Buffy at her mercy...until the last minute intervention from an old friend.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

The unleashing of Dark Willow and her wrath continues. Themes touched on are the abuse of power, consequences of our actions and taking responsibility for those actions.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Dark Willow

WHY IT ROCKS

Dark Willow: by far the best thing about these last three episodes of season 6 is Alyson Hannigan in full on evil Dark Willow mode. She is terrific and clearly having a load of fun especially when insulting and goading her friends. Her verbal and physical smack down with Buffy being a particular highlight.

Truck surfing. Willow standing atop a semi truck magically driving it to try and run the Scoobies off the road is a great image. Kinda Terminator-ish.

Slayer vs. Wicca: The Dark Willow v Buffy fight is pretty good, esp poor Anya hiding behind a counter trying to keep the protection spell around Andrew and Jonathan going.

Teleporting from Rack's: the sequence where Buffy confronts Willow at Rack's place thus saving Dawn from being turned back in to energy by Willow is great, especially as the two talk the camera slowly pans around them then pulls back to reveal Willow has teleported the three of them to the Magic Box.

The final moments of the episode feat. the return of an old friend.

WHY IT SUCKS

Dark Willow's rather obvious stunt double during the big Willow v Buffy fight scene.

The destruction of the police cell wall looks terrible. The set looks hugely fake – like blocks of precut Styrofoam.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

“I'd like to test that theory.”

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Jonathan: “Um, Anya, you're gonna have to break this down for us a little.”
Anya: “Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive. Tara's dead. Willow found out, and being the most powerful Wicca in the western hemisphere, decided to get the payback. With interest.”
Andrew: “Wh-what about Warren?”
Anya: “She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.”
Andrew: “Oh my god... Warren.”
Jonathan: “Oh my god... me.”

Willow: "Mom!" "Buffy!" "Tara!" "Waah!" It's time you go back to being a little energy ball. No more tears, Dawnie.

Willow: “So. Here we are.”
Buffy: “Are we really gonna do this?”
Willow: “Come on, this is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.”
Buffy: “A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.”
Willow: “Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.”
Buffy: “Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer really is.”

Willow: “Buffy... I gotta tell ya... I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.”
A blast of magic energy knocks Willow over
Giles: “I'd like to test that theory.”

AND ANOTHER THING

Previously on Buffy: Being part 1 of the final episode of the season (it was shown as a double bill with Grave in the US) the opening recap is much longer than normal and has Xander announcing, "This is what happened this year..." as opposed to the usual Giles spoken, “Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...”

Dinowillow: To herald the arrival of Dark Willow at the police station, the camera pans in to a cup of coffee which ripples in time with the thunder and lightening in a homage to Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Big G is back! 4 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.20 ‘VILLAINS’

A lovely tribute to Tara & Willow

WRITER: Marti Noxon
DIRECTOR: David Solomon

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

After Warren's shooting spree at Buffy's house Buffy is rushed to hospital seriously wounded while unbeknownst to the rest of the Scoobies Tara lies dead in Willow's bedroom. Willow, overcome by rage, and with dark magic in her system, takes off alone in search of more power which she intends to use to hunt down and kill Warren. Soon she has all the power she needs and Dark Willow is born. Warren (and the entire world) are in for it now.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

The almost banal hideousness and heartache of real and regular everyday evil.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Warren. And Dark Willow.

WHY IT ROCKS

Hunting Warren: This episode is basically all about Willow, fuelled by rage and hate and the blackest of black magics, relentlessly hunting down a fleeing Warren as her friends try in vain to stop her from killing a human being and from being consumed for good by darkness. They have no chance though. And this story can only end one way. And so it does.

Dark Willow: If nothing else about this episode...nay...this entire season was any good then Dark Willow and Aly Hannigan's portrayal of her alone would make it all worth while. Our newly raven haired, black eyed, blood thirsty uber powerful goddess of revenge is a wondrous thing to behold. Aly Hannigan is clearly loving playing this version of Willow who is not afraid to tell her friends some home truths and to go toe to toe in a knock down drag out fight with her best friend Buffy. The look is great too – the black hair, black eyes, white face, veins showing... Brrr. Creepy. But also kinda...hot? Oh I'm such a bad man. Anyway, Dark Willow is up there with Vamp Willow as genius creations by Joss and Ally; two awesome aspects of an already awesome character.

Sucking out the magic: the sequence where Willow sucks out all the magic from the books in the Magic Box is brilliant! A terrific visual effect that shows all of the words and spells traveling over Willow's skin.

Warren the joke: Warren finally discovers the truth about himself and his sad little gang when he is gloating at a demon bar about how he 'killed' the slayer. He soon finds out from the gathered demons that Buffy is alive and will be out to get him. The demons have never heard of him or his gang and find him and his predicament hilarious. So hilarious they don't want to kill him as it will be far more fun to see what the slayer does to him when she finally catches up with him. Although unbeknownst to them all it isn't Buffy that Warren should be worrying about. It's Willow!

Clem: More Clem goodness as Buffy drops Dawn off at Spike's crypt only to find Clem now living there since Spike upped and left town. Buffy asks Clem to watch Dawn and the kindly demon happily agrees suggesting they rent The Wedding Planner and play Parcheesi.

Skinned alive: Warren's eventual death at Dark Willow's hands is fittingly nasty as, tied up Evil Dead style by creepers and vines, Warren is first tortured by Willow who, using magic, slowly pushes a bullet in to his chest. Then, with the immortal words “Bored now!” uses her magic to rip his entire skin from his flesh in one agonising go, before then burning him up in a fireball. And yes, this is just as gruesome as it sounds. So much so that it was so heavily edited when shown on the BBC that viewers were left wondering what exactly happened to Warren. Answer: nothing good.

Cliffhanger: the episode ends with Willow, having killed Warren, telling a shocked Buffy and Xander, “One down...” before vanishing in a cloud of black smoke and fire. The next episode is titled 'Two to Go'. Meaning Jonathan and Andrew are next.

WHY IT SUCKS

How did Warren know that he'd killed Tara? In fact, how did he kill Tara from that angle? Magic bullet time. Someone call Oliver Stone.

How did Spike get all the way from Sunnydale USA to Uganda in Africa in the timespan between Seeing Red and Villains seeing as how Villains follows on directly from Seeing Red? Has he developed teleporting powers??

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

“Bored now.”

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Andrew: He's coming up with a plan. Like, "War Games." Remember that decoder that Matthew Broderick used?
Jonathan: Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and the tape recorder?
Andrew: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. Broadway Matthew? I find him cold.
Jonathan: Really? No, I- Shut up!

Buffy: We love you. And Tara. But we don't kill humans. It's not the way.
Willow: How can you say that? Tara is dead.
Buffy: I know... I know. And I... can't understand... anything. Not what happened... a-and not what you must be going through. Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you too.
Xander: You said it yourself, Will... the magic's too strong, there's no coming back from it.
Willow: I'm not coming back.

Xander: I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise . But I will not let Willow destroy herself.

Willow: Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? It's not like in the comics.
Warren: No. No.
Willow: I think you need to. Feel it.
Warren: Oh god! Stop it!
Willow: It's not going to make a neat little hole. First, it'll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse. Feels like drowning.
Warren: Please! No.
Willow: When it finally hits your spine, it'll blow your central nervous system.
Warren: Oh please, stop, god! Please-
Willow: I'm talking! The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move. Bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It'll seem like it takes forever. Something, isn't it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out... took her light away. From me. From the world. Now the one person who should be here is gone... and a waste like you gets to live. Tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now?

Willow: Bored now.

AND ANOTHER THING

The song playing in the demon bar Warren visits is Die, Die My Darling by the Misfits.

When Buffy flatlines on the operating table after getting shot in the chest, this is the third time she has died on the show. Surely some record for a TV show's main character.

HOW MANY STAKES?

I'd be skinned alive if I didn't give it five. 5 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.19 ‘SEEING RED’

James Marsters on THAT scene

WRITER: Steven S. DeKnight
DIRECTOR: Michael Gershman

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

The Trio steal a pair of magic orbs which will grant their wearer super strength and invulnerability. Warren takes them for a spin in a bar macking on ladies and beating up guys...only to run in to Xander. Xan makes it out in one piece...just...and goes to tell Buffy only to find our girl, suffering from a slaying related injury, lying on the bathroom floor after having had a shocking and deeply disturbing encounter with Spike. Nevertheless Buffy sets out to confront Warren and co. and stops them from robbing an armoured truck. A fight ensues and Buffy manages to win after destroying Warren's magic orbs. But he gets away leaving Andrew and Jonathan behind. The next morning a blissfully happy Willow and Tara watch from their bedroom window as Xander appears in the back yard and reconciles with Buffy. But tragedy soon strikes when a crazed Warren suddenly appears brandishing a gun. Shots are fired, some going wild but with two of the bullets finding there targets: one in the back yard and the other in the bedroom above. And as a result things will never be the same again.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Male ego and misogyny – power, control, domination with rampant testosterone running wild. But also genuine love and friendship with good people who love and care for each other sticking together no matter what.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Warren & Spike

WHY IT ROCKS

Script: Simply Steve DeKnight wrote a great script. It treads a fine line, a balancing act between daft and goofy and dark and disturbing. But it does so brilliantly. The character work has depth and pushes our heroes to even greater places of darkness and turmoil than before while also managing to bring them back together, to reignite the spark of genuine love and friendship between them. Well, all except for one.

Performances: across the board they are great. But special mention goes to SMG and James Marsters who have to play what is the darkest and most ghastly scene this series ever did. And they are both fabulous. Oh and Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson are beyond cute together...right up until the end when they will break your heart.

Jet packs: Heh. The sequence where Andrew tries to escape using his hidden jet pack...only to hit the roof and collapse to the ground is hilarious. A terrific sight gag.

Saws: when Buffy searches the Trio's abandoned lair she is attacked by multiple huge circular saws requiring her to engage in some Spider-Man-like acrobatics to avoid being sliced and diced. Its a great sequence and looks very cool.

Clem: Yay! Spike's nice guy demon pal Clem shows up to be a sounding board for a confused and distraught Spike. Gotta love Clem.

Two moments: “Ask me again why I could never love you!” and “Your shirt...” If you aren't hurting inside then your heart is cold.

Warren: Oh he makes such a wonderfully evil villain. So easy to hate. And what he does in this ep arguably makes him the worst and most hated villain in all Buffydom. Kudos to Adam Busch who does a terrific job in the role.

Balls: The blatant testosterone metaphor of Warren and his pair of super powered orbs...and Buffy smashing them to defeat him. YES!!

WHY IT SUCKS

It doesn't suck. At all. But it is one heck of a cruel episode both for the characters and for the audience. Three awful things happen in the space of forty two minutes. It is almost too much to take. Almost.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Buffy's victory over Warren, throwing his misogynistic insult right back at him before kicking his ass to the kerb. “Good night, bitch.” Yeah!!

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Andrew: “I don't trust that leprechaun.”

Buffy: “Ask me again why I could never love you!”

Willow: “We were able to decipher pretty much everything except these.”
Tara: “It isn't written in any ancient language we could identify.”
Xander: “It's Klingon. They're love poems. Which has nothing to do with the insidious scheme you're about to describe.”

Spike: You know, everything always used to be so clear. Slayer, vampire. Vampire kills Slayer, sucks her dry, picks his teeth with her bones. It's always been that way. I've tasted the life of two Slayers. But with Buffy... It isn't supposed to be this way! It's the chip! Steel and wires and silicon. It won't let me be a monster... and I can't be a man. I'm nothing.”

Warren: “I was wondering when Super Bitch would show up.”
Buffy: “You've really got a problem with strong women, don't you?”

Andrew: “I really want to get my hands on his orbs.”

Warren: “Say good night, bitch.”
Buffy (crushes his magic orbs and knocks him down): “Good night, bitch.”

Tara: “Your shirt...”

AND ANOTHER THING

The scenes at the amusement park were specially filmed at Six Flags Magic Mountain, 35 miles north of Los Angeles.

The following tracks were featured in Seeing Red: The Leaves by Daryll-Ann, Stranded by Alien Ant Farm and Displaced by Azure Ray.

James Marsters says to this day that the Spike assault/attempted rape of Buffy scene is the worst thing he has ever had to do in his career. He found it deeply traumatising and it left him an emotional wreck.

For the one and only time since she joined the show Amber Benson gets her name in the opening credits sequence. Kind of a sick joke considering her fate.

When Buffy explores The Trio's lair, she discovers several action figures – grimacing in particular at the one of Vampirella, a comic book superhero from the planet Drakulonn who devoted her life to destroying all vampires - and wearing very skimpy red outfits.

HOW MANY STAKES?

A painful 4.5 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.18 ‘ENTROPY’

Teaser

WRITER: Drew Z. Greenberg
DIRECTOR: James A. Contner

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Anya returns to town having been reinstated as a vengeance demon and is determined to find someone who will wish ill on Xander allowing her to enact a curse on her behalf. It doesn't go so well for her though, and when Spike comes to see her at the Magic Box looking for a spell to ease his own hurt over being dumped by Buffy, the two end up in a clinch, finding solace in each other. Unbeknownst though to the intimate pair the whole thing is being broadcast via secret cameras the Trio have set up all over town including one at the Magic Box. A camera Willow has just managed to tap in to which suddenly allows all the gathered Scoobies including a stunned Buffy and horrified Xander to watch the vampire and vengeance demon getting it on together.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

As the episode's title suggests this is about disruption and disorder, how things seem to be falling apart. It's also about dealing with personal hurt, lashing out, making mistakes and trying to cope with the consequences.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

The Trio. And Xander...kinda.

WHY IT ROCKS

Emma Caulfield: Anya is back with a vengeance...literally. And this is her episode and Emma Caulfield is terrific. Poor Anya is consumed by anger and hurt at what Xander did to her (justifiably so) and is looking for vicious payback. However you can tell that beneath the surface she feels somehow responsible, that she was somehow to blame and that Xander never really wanted her. She hates what Xander did to her. But she hates herself even more for allowing herself to be put in that position in the first place. Emma plays every scene with layered nuance even when she is being hilarious and trying to get unwitting people to wish horrible things on Xander.

Real world shopping: The scene near the start where Buffy and Dawn are out shopping together was filmed on the Santa Monica promenade in the heart of LA . It is kind of jarring but also very cool to see Buffy being filmed off set and in a real city location that's bustling with people. This is something that unlike Angel Buffy rarely did.

Temple of Doom: Warren calling Jonathan Short Round is most amusing.

Willow and Tara: They get back together. And it is beyond cute. Yay!

WHY IT SUCKS

Soapy: Okay, so there is no real story this week. It is all about the consequences of what the characters have been doing to each other and behind each others backs. Who has been sleeping with who. Who dumped who. Who kept secrets from who. Yes, it is all very soap opera-ish. But that's just about okay here as the characters and story up until now have earned it and we are invested. However it does make you think you are watching an ep of Spike's beloved Passions!

Xander the Dick: Okay, so Xander being all self righteous and angry over Anya and Spike and what Buffy has been up to is very annoying. He has no right at all to judge either of them, not after what he pulled only two eps ago. Nothing against Nicky Brendon who is really good but, like with Buffy, it feels like we are losing the character this season. Xander has become 'gulp' unlikable.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Anya hilariously trying to convince Buffy why she should hate all men, especially Xander.

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Anya: I... I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!
Xander: They are.
Anya: Really? Right now? Does it hurt?
Xander: God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya... I love you, I want to make this work.
Anya: Those are metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain! What's wrong with me?

Willow: Well, if there's anything we can do, just let us-
Anya: Actually... um... there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.

Buffy: I don't think he could feel any worse.
Anya: Let's test that theory.
Buffy: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and... if it had happened to me, I'd-
Anya: Wish his penis would explode?

Tara (to Willow): There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides... You have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long... important process, and... can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?

AND ANOTHER THING

When Tara is talking to Willow at the end Willow's dress from the episode Once More, With Feeling can be seen hanging on the door.

After Xander leaves with a weapon Willow sees the open door and open chest. The weapons chest she sees is the same one Xander made for Buffy's birthday in Older and Far Away.

HOW MANY STAKES?

A chaotic 4 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.17 ‘NORMAL AGAIN’

Slayer, Interrupted

WRITER: Diego Gutierrez
DIRECTOR: Rick Rosenthal

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

While out searching for the Trio Buffy is ambushed by a demon conjured by Andrew. Amidst the ensuing fight the demon stings her and Buffy starts having intermittent flashes of herself in another life – as a normal Buffy Summers who's been locked away in a mental hospital for six years undergoing treatment for believing she is a super powered chosen one who fights monsters and saves the world. What's more, in this 'other' reality Buffy's mom is there as is her dad both pleading with her to reject her fantasy and come back to them, back to reality. Soon poor Buff doesn't know what is real and what isn't which puts everyone involved in great danger.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

The difference between reality and fantasy. Escaping from reality, from responsibility.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

The Trio, the waxy looking demon who stings Buff. Oh and Buffy herself towards eps end.

WHY IT ROCKS

High concept: the idea of challenging Buffy's (and the viewers) concept of what (if anything) about Buffy's life is actually 'real' is great. This sort of thing has been done before in genre television notably in the great DS9 episode Far Beyond the Stars. Making the audience believe that it is possible that everything they have watched and loved for six years might not be 'real' but rather the delusions of a very ill young girl is quite the thing. It's just a shame the ep isn't as successful as it could have been at doing this.

SMG: Quite simply she is magnificent. She single handily raises this episode above where it otherwise would be by turning in a damaged, tormented, scary and highly affecting performance. Her revelation to a shocked Willow that as a child she did spend some time in a mental hospital is achingly effective. A teary, fragile, vulnerable SMG really hits you where it hurts.

Mom: Kristine Sutherland makes a welcome return as Joyce Summers even if it is in the other world flashes. It's always great to see her though and we feel for Buff as she is tempted to reject Sunnydale and everything in it for the chance to be with her mom again.

WHY IT SUCKS

Lack of commitment: It is frustrating that this episode won't commit fully to its high concept. The idea that Sunnydale and all the supernatural stuff is really just the delusions of a sick girl is a scary and terrific idea. It would be great if we really were made to believe that the entire series truly could be the result of a very troubled and ill young girl's delusion. If the entire episode was played from Buffy's pov then that would likely be the case. But it breaks away all the time and makes it quite plain that her flashes are definitely a result of the demon sting and this renders the final emotional scene of 'real' Buffy in hospital, falling for good in to deep catatonia as her helpless and heartbroken parents look on, pretty much redundant. A real shame.

Dawn: ARGHH! Yet again youngest Summers manages to make everything about her. She whinges, sulks and storms off when she finds out that she is not around in Buffy's 'real' life. Jeez! Also Buffy tells her that she hasn't been doing her chores lately. Um...when has Dawn ever done any chores? Buffy is the only one who ever seems to do any stuff around the house, not Dawn or Willow. Kick em out, Buff!

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Buffy tearfully admitting to Willow that she did spend time in a mental institution.

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Willow: "Hi, uhm.. Tara. How are you? I was wondering.. do you want to go out sometime? For coffee? Or food? Or kisses and gay love?"

Buffy: "I could wrestle naked in grease for a living and still be cleaner than after a shift at the Doublemeat."

Xander: “Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires and demons and ex-vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?”

Spike: “Oh, balls. You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashma'nik.”
Xander: 'Cause I can't say glar- “

Xander: “Hello! I'm back! Clean and with the better smell now. Friends? Romans? Anyone?”

AND ANOTHER THING

When Buffy looks at the photo of herself as a child, it's Alexandra Lee, who also played young Buffy in season five's The Weight of the World.

Normal Again marks the only script for Buffy by Diego Gutierrez who prior to its writing was Joss Whedon's personal assistant. He would go on to write scripts for other successful TV shows including Dawson's Creek and Warehouse 13

This is one of two episodes of Buffy directed by Rick Rosenthal (the other being season 7's 'Help'). Rosenthal is perhaps best known as the director of Halloween 2, the first sequel to John Carpenter's original horror classic. He also went on to direct 2002's Halloween Resurrection.

HOW MANY STAKES?

A pretty normal 3.5 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.16 ‘HELL'S BELLS’

Buffy & Spike

WRITER: Rebecca Rand Kirshner
DIRECTOR: David Solomon

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

It's Xander and Anya's wedding day. The bride and bridegroom's families are all there with tension between them mostly exasperated by Xander's ghastly father who spends his time being rude, obnoxious and drunk. Pre-wedding jitters are present too which only get worse when a mysterious old man turns up and secretly tells Xander that he is in fact old Xander from the future come back in time to warn his younger self not to marry Anya as their life together will be hellish and awful and that he'll end up hurting her in the worst of ways. Seriously spooked young Xander takes off leaving poor Anya unaware of the situation and Buffy and Willow panicking as to what to do next.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

It's pretty obvious – the fear of commitment, of creating a binding future together and all that doing so entails. It's been subtly and not so subtly portrayed throughout the season that both Anya and Xander have issues with each other, fears about their future together. He can often show her little respect in public, correcting her, siding with others against her. And she can be borderline obsessive and needy. Many of these issues were aired in Once More With Feeling so it should come as no real surprise what happens in this ep. Though when it does it is still horrible and ghastly thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Old 'Xander', Xander's ghastly family, and Xander himself. Oh, the toxic looking bridesmaids dresses are pretty darn scary too.

WHY IT ROCKS

Emma & Nicky – both Emma Caulfield and Nicky Brendon are great. Anya is so weirdly cute and sweet especially when practicing her rather un-PC vows. And when she realises at the end what is happening the look on her face might just put a crack in your stony old heart.

SMG juggles – Yep, SMG is a good juggler (who knew?) and gets a chance to show off while Buffy tries her best to entertain the waiting guests as Willow hunts for Xander.

Spike – Okay, no idea who actually invited him. But his attempt to make Buffy jealous by bringing a date and then owning up to it along with his and Buff's subsequent borderline affectionate truce is kinda sweet.

Emotionally invested – it is telling how much we have invested in these characters, so much so that to many of us they feel like genuine family or friends. And when what happens happens as a result we really do feel the hurt of it. Poor An.

WHY IT SUCKS

Story (lack of) – There isn't much to the story here. The basic plot of the old Xander thing ends up being a non-event and paper thin not to mention all the wedding farce clichés we've seen a million times before get trotted out of storage for use here.

Light on the funny – not much in the way of witty sparking dialogue here. A few chuckles but nothing to write home about.

Weddings – I'm someone who doesn't have much patience for weddings and all the hoopla that goes on around them. Thankfully the Anya/Xander one is a pretty low grade affair so not much silly extravagance to annoy me. But wedding shenanigans can still grate

Spike – Yeah, I know. I love Spike...but who actually invited him? Xander hates him and wouldn't want him anywhere near his big day. Plus it's broad daylight and he appears not to have a blanket (just a trashy looking date designed to make Buff jealous) so why isn't he roasting nicely?

Bad Xander – Look, I love the Xan man...but really?? What he does here is pretty much unforgivable. And his reasons are the lamest, most self centered baloney possible. It was his idea to get hitched. So he's just been stringing poor An along all this time? Jeez!

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Buffy juggles

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Xander: I must wear das cummerbund!

Anya: 'I, Anya, promise to cherish you...' Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, 'I promise... to have sex with you whenever... I want, and, uh... uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle...'

AND ANOTHER THING

SMG's talent as a juggler was especially incorporated into the script.

In a scripted but unfilmed scene, it was revealed that Giles remained in England to fight demons, and was thus unable to attend. But he did pay for all the flowers.

We finally get to meet Xander's legendary Uncle Rory who has been name checked several times throughout the series. Uncle Rory was always the black sheep of the family and Xander first referred to him in Season 2's The Dark Age as, "The stodgiest taxidermist you'll ever meet by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying."

George D. Wallace, who plays 'old' Xander, had a long career in Hollywood appearing in many films and TV shows. One of his early and notable appearances was as the Bosun in the scifi classic Forbidden Planet alongside Walter Pidgeon and Leslie Nielsen.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Bad Xander! 2 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.15 ‘AS YOU WERE’

Episode dailies

WRITER: Doug Petrie
DIRECTOR: Doug Petrie

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Out of the blue Buffy's former lover Agent Riley Finn drops back in to Buffy's life asking for her help to track down an especially nasty demon he's followed through central America and back to Sunnydale. Riley is also after a rumoured local black market dealer known only as 'The Doctor' who is planning to sell the demon's highly prized eggs to a foreign power. But Agent Finn hasn't come back alone. He has brought his new wife with him.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Re-evaluating what a healthy relationship actually is. Moving on. Self forgiveness.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

A Suvolte demon. The Doctor.

WHY IT ROCKS

Riley's back! I always liked Riley and Marc Blucas' portrayal. I thought Riley had a rough ride from the fans just cuz he wasn't Angel. I mean, God forbid Buffy should ever have a healthy relationship with an honest to goodness human being who is just a nice, reliable, dependable guy. Sheesh! This time Riley is in full-on 007 stealth mode but is essentially the same nice, thoughtful, gentleman he always was...except now with a brand new wife, Sam, another special opps soldier who is just as nice, respectful and capable as he is. Nice one Agent Finn.

Action/stunts: There are quite a few good fight sequences here and I especially liked the dam rappelling stunt. Kinda reminded me of the opening of Goldeneye, though not a bungee but rather Riley and Buffy doing a line drop down the face of a rather high dam. Cool.

Willow: Willow is almost back to her old self in this episode. She is chirpy and gets positively giddy in places chatting to Sam. Loved how she wanted to hate her being Riley's new love but just couldn't.

Buffy sees the light: finally, seeing what a good and healthy relationship looks like (Riley and Sam) Buffy forgives herself and decides to move on by ending it properly with Spike, leaving his dark crypt at episodes end and literally walking out in to the light. It's a beautifully written and played scene between Buffy and Spike with Buffy calling Spike by his real name, William, with the look on his face showing that he knows she means it this time.

WHY IT SUCKS

Dawn: Again, Dawn manages to make everything about her...even Riley's leaving Sunnydale in season 5. Arghh!

Questionable parenting: Buffy lets Dawn go out with Willow to the Bronze until 11pm on a school night? Really? Good parenting Buff. Plus earlier Dawn reminds Buffy it is trash day. Cue we see Buff chasing after and missing the trash collection. In a previous episode we've seen Dawn swanning off to school leaving a sink full of dishes for Buffy to clean after working a double shift. Um, does Dawn actually do anything at home? Does she have any chores at all? Sheesh! And for that matter what about Willow? She still lives there too. If I was Buff I'd kick em all out.

Wedding plans: is it just me or is the whole Anya/Xander wedding planning thing getting to be really tiresome? I have a low threshold for wedding fluff anyway (giant waste of money I say) so it just makes me roll my eyes and groan.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Buffy's dazed reaction to seeing Riley back. “My hat has a cow!”

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Riley: “I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.”
Buffy (dazed): “My hat has a cow.”

Sam: “We better regroup. Buffy, I hate to impose further, but... you got a safe house?”
Buffy: “I, I have a house. I-I think it's safe. Sometimes you can't even leave.”

Willow: “Just so you know? I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.”
Buffy: “Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.”
Willow: “Well, that's the beauty! You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.”
Buffy: “Go nuts.”

Sam: “I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer, you're like... Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something.”
Buffy: “Fat and jolly?”
Sam: “Legendary. And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about. It's you.”

Riley: “Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down... it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman.”

Buffy: “I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish...”
Spike: “Really not complaining here.”
Buffy: “...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry... William.”

AND ANOTHER THING

Spike's record collection can be seen in the moment before Buffy shoots it - "The Keller Family Sings" plus the soundtrack album to "The Wiz" are visible.

On Buffy's rejection letter for readmission to UC Sunnydale, her address is printed as 1630 Crestview instead of 1630 Revello. Oops!

Ivana Milicevic who plays Riley's wife Sam played the small villainous role of Valenka in Bond film Casino Royale (2006)

HOW MANY STAKES?

It's a Finn old time for sure. 3 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.14 ‘OLDER AND FAR AWAY’

Spike's muscle cramp...in his pants.

WRITER: Drew Z. Greenberg
DIRECTOR: Michael Gershman

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

It's Buffy's birthday and the gang are throwing her a party at her house. They will all be there, including Tara. Buff is bringing a female friend from work while Xander is bringing a male friend from work in an attempt to match him up with Buffy. Meanwhile Dawn is feeling ignored and lonely seeing as how all the adults are always busy with their own life stuff, often leaving the teen all alone and mopey. Called out of class, Dawn goes to see the new guidance counselor who she tells her troubles to, wishing that people would stop leaving her. Unbeknownst to Dawn the guidance counselor is in fact Hallie, Anya's Vengeance Demon friend. Hallie grants Dawn's wish without the teen knowing. And come the night of the party everyone who turns up to celebrate at 1630 Revello finds that they are unable to leave once the party is over. Add in to the mix a jealous Spike and a demon who keeps popping up trying to maim and kill and the gang are in for one wild night. And following day. And following night...

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Teen angst – abandonment, loneliness, anger, whole-world-revolving-around-me-ness

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Hallie the Vengeance Demon, a nasty demon with a big sword, but most of all Dawnie.

WHY IT ROCKS

Jealous Spike: Spike acting up when he sees the guy Xander brought to hopefully pair up with Buff. James Marsters does snide and childish rather well.

Clem: Spike brings his loose-skinned demon pal Clem to the party who we last saw playing kitten poker with the vamp. Clem is a nice, easygoing, friendly sort who enjoys watching cartoons and just generally being a nice bloke. Actor James C. Leary helps makes him such a likeable and loyal sort that Clem very quickly became (and remains) a firm fan favourite.

Tara: Amber Benson is great here, especially when she defends Willow by facing down Anya who wants the red headed Wiccan to do some magic to get them out of the house, thus putting addicted Willow in danger of falling of the magic wagon.

WHY IT SUCKS

Dawn: Now, this is nothing against Michelle Trachtenberg who is a fine actress and who does her best here. No, it is the writers who are to blame. Dawn is unbearable and insufferable. She is in full-on whiny tantrum throwing brat mode. Her histrionics are teeth grinding and whatever sympathy we may have had for her quickly evaporates. Plus she is a total klepto now too. Sigh.

Birthday hell. It's Buffy's birthday, which never EVER goes well. You'd think Buff's friends would have learned by now to keep it low key and just avoid any fuss. Dear oh dear.

Dull. Quite frankly this is a rather tedious and dull 'bottle' episode being mostly shot on Buffy's house set. Conceptually it's all about Dawn's issues which I'm afraid by this point have gotten beyond annoying. The demon that turns up now and then to flail his sword at the gang is not scary at all and is merely a clunky plot device to try and add some kind of action to a story about inaction. Oh, and the less said about the sap Xander brings for Buffy the better.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Tara's “Hey! You're gonna back off,” to Anya. Go girl!

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Buffy: “How are you doing?”
Tara: “The word "gulp" comes to mind.”

Spike: “I had ... a ... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.”
Tara: “A muscle cramp? In your ... pants?”

Spike: “So, you ever think about *not* celebrating a birthday? Just to try it, I mean.”

Tara: “She said no, and that's it. You're not gonna make her do something that she doesn't want to. And if you try...You're gonna have to go through me first. Understood?”

Richard: “You have some weird friends.”
Xander: “News from the file marked 'duh.'”

AND ANOTHER THING

Dawn shouts "Get out, Get out, Get out, Get out" at Buffy and the gang. She did the same thing to Buffy and Joyce in season five's birthday episode, Blood Ties.

The episode title is a quotation from J.G. Ballard's autobiographical novel, Empire of the Sun. The book was made into a movie by Steven Spielberg in 1987.

Hallie and Spike's odd surprise at seeing each other is cute seeing as how actress Kali Rocha also played Spike's love interest Cecily in season Five's Fool for Love. Maybe Cecily went on to become a Vengeance Demon?

When Spike opens the front door at the end of the episode his reflection can be seen in the frosted glass next to the door. Oops.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Please, let me out of this episode. 2 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.13 ‘DEAD THINGS’

Interesting video about the Trio and their misogynist psychology and how it relates to geek culture in general.

WRITER: Steven S. DeKnight
DIRECTOR: James A Contner

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

The Trio (Warren, Jonathan, Andrew) test out their new gadget – a cerebral dampener which they intend to use on beautiful women to turn in to their mindless sex slaves. Warren uses it first on his ex Katrina, taking her back to the Trio's lair dressed as a French maid with the intention of having sex with her before letting the other two nerds have their go with her. But before Warren can have his way with Katrina the dampening effect wears off and she tries to escape...only to be hit over the head by Warren and killed. Scared that Buffy will find out what he did Warren gets Andrew and Jonathan to help him pin Katrina's death on the Slayer with the use of some perception bending magic. Wracked with guilt by a death she wasn't actually responsible for Buffy decides to turn herself in to the police...much to the fury of Spike and to the delight of a secretly observing Warren.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Casual and not-so-casual misogyny. The objectification of women. When love isn't really love but is something dark, cruel and destructive.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

The Trio but chiefly Warren, a selfish and cruel misogynist.

WHY IT ROCKS

The subject matter: This episode is partly about when love isn't really love but is instead something dark, cruel, selfish and destructive. For as well as The Trio and their heinous plan we also have Buffy trying to discover why she lets Spike do the things he does to her.

Katrina: The episode is also about men objectifying women, seeking power over them and seeing them as nothing but objects to be used for pleasure. At first the story is played rather light and semi-jokey. But once the Trio's scuzzy plan starts being put in to action, when we see poor Katrina blank eyed and dressed like a cheap sex doll about to be used and abused it becomes anything but. It becomes truly uncomfortable viewing. Just as it should. What is also great is Katrina, the spell wearing off, telling the Trio the hard brutal truth of what they were about to do to her: rape. This shocks Andrew and Jonathan. They hadn't even considered what they had planned as rape. Warren though? He doesn't care. Also, it's great that Katrina doesn't react as a victim. Despite knowing what the Trio had planned for her she isn't a screaming helpless wreck. She is mad as hell at them. She is furious and offended and tells them exactly what she thinks of them. Unfortunately though Warren makes sure she doesn't get away.

SMG brings the pain: The episode ends with Buffy, having secretly asked Tara to check out the spell that brought her back to life to see if anything went wrong, breaking down in front of the Wiccan when Tara tells her the spell worked fine and nothing is wrong. Buffy hates herself for what she does with Spike, for allowing it to happen. And the last we see of her in this episode is crying her eyes out in Tara's lap confessing all. SMG is fabulous here. She pours her heart out to Tara and begs Tara not to forgive her for what she has been doing. It can break your heart to watch it.

WHY IT SUCKS

Dawn: Unlike many I've never been a Dawn hater...BUT... really Dawn? You're gonna make everything about YOU? Even Buffy's (misplaced) guilt over Katrina's death? Littlest Summers sure does get the bratty thing going on in this part of the season. And it only gets worse next episode.

Bad joke: The 'joke' about Spike telling Buffy he's got rid of Katrina's body and it will never be found...only to then overhear a policeman say they found a girls body in the river. Okay, first, its not funny. The subject of the joke just isn't funny. At all. Also, how bloody inept does this make Spike? He can be a bit reckless, sure, impulsive even. But he isn't a totally useless idiot.

Humour: Apart from the completely misjudged joke above this is a laugh free zone. Even the bungling Trio antics are tinged with so much darkness that no smiles can be cracked. This is something that doesn't happen very often on this show. And it feels weird.

From behind: Okay, I'm no prude but do we really have to see Spike taking Buffy from behind while they are alone together on the balcony of the Bronze watching the Scoobies below having a good time? This is about as low and as grim as you can take poor Buff. We are losing her, the hero. She is heading for rock bottom, if not already there.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Buffy breaking down to Tara at the end. Powerful and emotional stuff. Hats off to SMG.

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Buffy: “I've been thinking about doing something to my room.”
Spike: “Yeah?”
Buffy: “Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me.”

Katrina: “You bunch of little boys, playing at being men. Well, this is not some fantasy, it's not a game, you freaks! It's rape!”


Buffy (repeatedly punching Spike in the face): “I am not your girl! You don't... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never... be your girl!”
Spike (taking the punches): “You always hurt... the one you love, pet.”

Buffy: “He's everything I hate. He's everything that... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when... Don't tell anyone, please.”
Tara: “I won't.”
Buffy: “The way they would look at me... I just couldn't...”
Tara: “I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that.”
Buffy: “Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?”
Tara: “Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're...”
Buffy: “What? Using him? What's okay about that?”
Tara: “It's not that simple.”
Buffy (crying uncontrollably): “It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please... Please don't forgive me, please... Please don't... Please don't forgive me... “

AND ANOTHER THING

The song playing as Buffy stands outside Spike’s crypt trying to decide whether to enter is ‘Out Of This World’ by Bush.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Things are getting darker. 4 (out of 5)

BUFFY: 6.12 ‘DOUBLEMEAT PALACE’

WRITER: Jane Espenson

DIRECTOR: Nick Marck

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Needing money to pay the bills and generally help get herself back in the black, Buffy takes a job at The Doublemeat Palace, a local franchised fast food joint where she is forced to wear an embarrassing uniform (complete with cow/chicken hat) and flip burgers and serve customers for minimum wage. Of course, being Buffy The Vampire Slayer, it's soon obvious that something strange is afoot at The Doublemeat Palace with staff members disappearing and strange secrecy around the food's apparent secret ingredient. What's more Spike continually hanging around trying to tempt Buff away from her new life on the bottom rung of the service industry ladder doesn't make things any easier for our girl. Poor Buff. And did I mention that hat? Hoo boy!

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Real life. Paying the bills. The soul crushing monotonous drudgery of going through the motions of daily life, just trying to keep ones head above water. Oh, and poking fun at the fast food industry.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

The monster with the phallic worm thing that extends out the top of its head to eat people with. Yeah, it's as weird and as gross as it sounds. Yuck! Oh, and working at a fast food joint.

WHY IT ROCKS

Funny. This ain't the greatest of episodes but being a Jane Espenson script it does bring the funny in a few key places, mostly at the expense of poor Buff and in poking fun at life working at a fast food restaurant.

SMG. Put this girl in the worst most embarrassing uniform ever with that god-awful hat...and she still looks as cute as a button. Plus she also provides another excellent comedy performance. Buffy's reaction watching the Doublemeat Palace training video showing how cow and chicken are brought together in to one swirly meat-like substance is priceless.

The penis worm monster. It is quite frankly weird and yucky. A pretty good physical and make-up effect though that is just the right side of silly while keeping one foot firmly planted in the gross camp.

WHY IT SUCKS

The 'lets poke fun at fast food joints' is amusing at first but I'm not sure it warrants a whole episode. It isn't that subtle either portraying the staff as dull, greasy, zombiefied stiffs who are like that due to the soul crushing nature of their job rather than anything supernatural. It's just all a bit obvious.

Also, mixed in with the fun and silliness are moments of darkness with Spike showing up to taunt/tempt Buff and her then sneaking away for (literally) soulless sex with him up against a burger bar wall. This feels grim and rather jarring in tone. Also seeing Buff apparently helpless against the vampire, unable to enforce her own will, is kinda distrubing too. But hey, that's season six for you.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Our first sight of Buff in THAT hat.

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Anya (to Xander & Willow): “But super-villains... want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.”
Buffy walks in wearing her new fast food uniform complete with silly cow/chicken hat
Buffy: “Good to know. I was kinda feelin' like a tool.”

Buffy (watching Doublemeat Palace's graphic meat production video): “Holy crap!”

Manny (about the Doublemeat video): “Interesting, isn't it?”
Buffy: “Oh yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if, if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.”

Buffy: “I'm working. Go away.”
Spike: “Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. Service me.”

Buffy (manic): “Stop! Stop! Everyone, you have to stop! Stop eating! No, you can't have this! It's not beef! It's people! The DoubleMeat Medley is people! The meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part. But who knows? Who! Knows!”


AND ANOTHER THING

The whole idea of Buffy's that people are the main ingredient of the burgers was the theme of 1973 sci-fi flick Soylent Green.

Doublemeat Palace was first heard (but not seen) in a TV commercial Amy watched in ep. 6.9 'Smashed'.

SMG's first acting gig was a Burger King ad at the age of four. And it got her sued. She was named in a lawsuit filed by McDonald's because in the ad Sarah said, "Do I look 20 per cent smaller to you? I must have at McDonald's because their hamburgers are 20 per cent smaller than Burger King's." McDonald's sued Burger King, the advertising agency, and Sarah herself.

Believe it or not Doublemeat Palace is the Buffy episode that got Joss and co. in to the most potential trouble with the network. Forget sex scenes, gay relationships, horror, violence.. Making fun of fast food was then a cardinal sin in US broadcasting. The ep proved extremely unpopular with sponsors with some even pulling out of the show because of the episode.

HOW MANY STAKES?

It's not a Whopper at 2.5 (out of 5)

MY FAVOURITE FILMS OF 2013

So here's my ten favourite films of 2013 in descending order. Please note: I don't claim these as the best films of the year, just the ones I personally enjoyed the most. There are some films I saw in 2013 which would have made this chart but I left out as they were not technically 2013 UK releases but had already been released here prior to 1 Jan 2013. Also, at the bottom of this post you'll also find my five least favourite films of 2013. Enjoy.

10. THOR: THE DARK WORLD

The sequel to Kenneth Branagh's 2011 God of Thunder epic is a fast, fun, epic fantasy which opens up the restricted scope of the original to new worlds and new places on Earth (specifically London replacing a small New Mexico town). Game of Thrones' Alan Taylor comes aboard as director and brings a less shiny more lived in look to Asgard and its people. Principle cast returnees Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Natalie Portman as Jane, Kat Dennings as Darcy and Stellan Skarsgard as Eric are all once more top notch. But it's the not-so-secret weapon of Tom Hiddleston as Loki who once again commands the screen and makes the audience just love a bad guy. Above all else though, Thor: The Dark World does what the best of Marvel movies should do - it is tons of fun. And sometimes that's all you need. All hail MeuMeu!


9. THE WOLVERINE

The Wolverine sees James Mangold (Walk the Line, 3:10 to Yuma) directing Hugh Jackman as the badass mutant with the cool adamantium claws. And in doing so makes up for the horrible poop fest that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Based on a classic run of the comics by Chris Claremont, the story sees Logan travel to Japan at the behest of dying Japanese industrialist Yashida who as a young man was saved by Logan when the atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki. Yashida wants to repay his life debt to Logan by offering him the one thing he wants – mortality. However it appears there is a hidden agenda behind Logan's visit and our hirsute hero soon becomes involved with Mariko, Yashida's granddaughter, who has become a target of Yakuza gangs vying for control of her Grandfather's company. The Wolverine is a rare beast of a superhero flick in that for much of the time there are not any real super-heroics going on. It is more about character building and interaction and is not afraid to have well written, well acted scenes of just two people talking. But when the super-heroics do come then they come in style with some wonderful action sequences including a thrilling fight atop a speeding bullet train and a battle in the snow against an army of ninjas. All in all then a top notch character driven superhero thriller with Jackman hammering home yet again his total ownership of this role. Snikt!


8. IRON MAN THREE

I had a real hard time figuring out my fave Marvel movie of 2013. To be honest, it could easily be any of them (I include FOX's The Wolverine in this even though it is not part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe). They were all great and they all had something different to offer while retaining the central Marvel demand that first and foremost they be FUN! But in the end, it came down to one thing...or I should say one person. Shane Black. Yep, the man behind Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was given $200m and told to go away and make a superhero film. Only Marvel would be this brave. And God bless 'em for it. It is precisely these smart and often brave choices that have made their films so much quirky, endearing fun, not to mention hugely successful. So what did Shane Black do with Marvel's $200m? What he did was to pretty much discard Iron Man and instead make a Tony Stark movie. For much of this film the armor is not even in use and when it is Tony is often not in it and is instead operating it remotely. Either that or other people are getting to wear it. In IM3 Tony is cast adrift and forced to use his wits and smarts to uncover the truth behind the terrorist known as The Mandarin as well as stopping a very bad guy from creating an army of exploding super-soldiers. Black invests his film with many of his usual tropes. In parts it becomes a buddy film (Stark and the kid, Stark and Rhodey), it is set around Christmas time, there is a torture scene where the hero turns the tables on the villains. And Black is also in super playful mode as he gleefully pulls the rug out from under the audience with a controversial twist about two thirds through which puts the whole film in to a new perspective. Also he is a dab hand at witty cutting banter. As such, IM3 is very, very funny with Downey Jr yet again proving why he is Marvel's most valuable on screen player. The action sequences are all good with the two highlights being the destruction of Stark's home via missile attack and the brilliant mid-air rescue of Air Force One passengers in free fall. The ending might devolve in to a bit of a flying CGI melee but it still contains some great character beats and gags amidst the carnage. Performances are all great with Downey Jr still at the top of his game. But special mention must go to Sir Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin. He is scary and...a lot more. Oh, and Brian Tyler provides a wonderfully toe tapping score with his end theme being sublime. So yeah, in the end, Iron Man Three clinches the title of top Marvel movie of 2013 mostly by virtue of being a Shane Black flick. And thanks to Marvel (and IM3 making $1.2bn), Black will now go on to make more movies of his choosing. And for that alone we must all be truly grateful.


7. THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

Francis Lawrence (Constantine, I Am Legend) replaces Gary Ross as this series' director, and in film number two brings a wider scope and deeper mythos to the building story of Katniss Everdeen and her growing role as unwilling focus for a building rebellion in the future land of Panem. The story here builds logically and smartly on the first film with nasty President Snow (a wonderfully snakelike Donald Sutherland) looking to discredit our heroine before getting her killed in a new round of winners only Hunger Games. Once again Jennifer Lawrence is superb as Katniss – steely and smart, haunted and vulnerable. And she is given strong support by the rest of the cast with special mention going to the fab Elisabeth Banks as Effie Trinkett who brings new depth to the previously shallow Escort to the District 12 Tributes. As before, the underlying themes are all about social control, the power of a complicit media, and the horrific extravagance and waste of the Capitol contrasted against the extreme poverty of everywhere else. It is perhaps this huge gap between the haves and have nots of Panem that hits home hardest making for a powerful message in this time of real world austerity for the poor and seemingly continuing greed and avarice for the wealthy. What makes this series work and raises it above all other young adult adaptations is that it has something serious and important on its mind. It is actually about something. Something important. Plus it has at its center perhaps the best leading lady and character actress of her generation in Jennifer Lawrence. I mean, how awesome must it be to be Jennifer Lawrence right now? Pretty damn awesome I reckon. Top of the world. Girl on Fire! And good for her. Bring on Mockingjay.


6. ODD THOMAS

Tricky one this. Odd Thomas has not been officially released anywhere yet. It's been made for nearly two years but due to legal wranglings remains locked in distribution limbo with no release in sight. I saw it via other means and we'll leave it at that. That this movie hasn't been and may not be released is a crying shame. Based on the novel by Dean R Koontz, Odd Thomas tells the story of a young man, a short order cook in a small town, who has the ability to see and communicate with recently dead people. Dead people who often need Odd's help to pass on. And being a kindly soul, Odd is more than willing to oblige them, using the knowledge the dead impart to him to track down murderers, rapists and all kinds of scum. However when Odd starts seeing a major increase in the number of bodachs (invisible creatures that appear when death and disaster is near), he becomes convinced that something terrible is going to befall his town and sets out to stop it from happening. Now I've not read Koontz's books so I have no idea how faithful the movie is or isn't. What I do know though is Odd Thomas the film, as written and directed by Stephen (The Mummy) Sommers is an imaginative, witty, warm, emotional and exciting supernatural adventure helped along by a great cast led by Anton Yelchin who is superb as the highly capable and likable Odd. Yelchin is wonderfully supported by Addison Timlin as Stormy, Odd's cute and loyal girlfriend, and Willem Dafoe as local Police Chief Porter, a friendly father figure to young Odd. The core of the film though is Odd and Stormy. And they are great together. You really do buy in to their playful, loving relationship and the obvious history behind it. You care about these two kids. The supernatural story proceeds as you'd expect – always fun, always creepy, always cool – but the tale of Odd and Stormy is what counts. By movie's end I don't mind admitting that I was moved. An emotional connection had been made. The film had worked. It was lots of creepy charming fun, yes, but it connected too. And in the end, that is what really counts. Way to go, Odd one.


5. JOURNEY TO THE WEST: CONQUERING THE DEMONS

Okay, so I had a big silly grin on my face all the way through this. Genius Chinese filmmaker Stephen (Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle) Chow returns with his epic prequel to the famous 16th century Chinese novel Journey to the West by Wu Cheng'en. To western audiences (especially kids who grew up in 70's/80's Britain) Journey to the West is best known as the classic Japanese TV show Monkey! The novel and TV show concerns the pilgrimage of Buddhist monk Xuanzang who traveled to India to obtain sacred texts with the aid of three protectors: a magical monkey king with fabulous powers, a pig demon, and a water demon given human form. But instead of telling this tale again, Chow has created his own prequel concerning Xuanzang and his pre-pilgrimage days as a rather hopeless Buddhist demon hunter who won't slay the demons but prefers instead to naively use the non-violent method of reading old nursery rhymes with the intention of calming the demons down and reawakening their goodness. Of course this approach does not go well for Xuanzang who soon runs in to a fellow demon hunter called Duan, a tough and beautiful woman who slays demons the old school way. Xuanzang doesn't seem to like his new competition very much. Duan though becomes hopelessly smitten by the hopeless young monk/demon hunter and their paths intertwine, eventually leading them both to come face to face with the legendary Monkey King imprisoned by the Buddha beneath a mountain. To be honest, there is not much of any real story to Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons. It is mostly a series of incidents as poor hapless Xuanzang keeps trying (and failing) to calm those demons and become a better man through finding enlightenment. The film's throughline is Xuanzang and Duan and their weird and wacky one sided courtship mixed in with lots of gloriously entertaining set pieces involving all kinds of crazy monsters and Tom and Jerry style cartoon action. This could easily have been one big rambling mess. But Stephen Chow knows what he is doing. And like the awesome Kung Fu Hustle, Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons ends up a wildly inventive, very funny, very silly blast. The fact that it is based around the same tale that brought joy to millions of 70s/80s kids like me is just an added bonus. This time out though, Chow does not star in his own movie as he usually does. A younger actor was required to play Xuanzang. And Wen Zhang is a spot on Chow substitute. Then there is the beautiful Shu Qi (best known to western audiences as Jason Statham's 'cargo' in the first Transporter) who is terrific as the feisty, fighty, slightly unhinged Duan. The movie looks great too with big detailed sets, glorious design and lots of nifty FX. But in the end it is the pure nutty fun factor that Chow can harness so well in his films that makes this one a winner. Sequel please.


4. WOLF CHILDREN

Acclaimed Japanese director Mamoru (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Summer Wars) Hosoda co-writes and directs this beautiful, simple animated film that tells the story of nineteen year old Hana who meets and falls in love with a man who she soon discovers is the last of his race: a legendary tribe who can physically transform in to wolves. The pair marry and Hana soon becomes pregnant, eventually giving birth to a daughter, Yuki, and then a year later a son, Ame. However tragedy strikes and Hana and her two small children are left alone with Hana struggling to bring up two small wolf children with hardly any money and no experience of rearing such creatures. All the while she is also trying to keep the children's existence secret from the rest of the world while also trying to give the two (literal) nippers enjoyable and fulfilling lives. Mamoru Hosoda has said that Wolf Children was conceived as his love letter to motherhood, to mothers the world over. And that it is. There is no big intricate story here. There are no bad guys. What there is, is a mother struggling against all odds to make a wonderful life for her two growing children while also giving them the strength and the space to find out who they are and to make the right choices for themselves. The film rings true throughout and visually it is truly lovely with the gorgeous and vivid watercolour style countrysides striking to behold as are the almost photo-realistic cityscapes. Perhaps the single greatest sequence in the film is of Hana playing with and chasing her two small wolf children through the snow on the mountainside where they live, all three of them filled with such unbound joy. Truly uplifting stuff. Wolf Children is a lovely film. Touching and emotional without being sentimental. Funny and charming throughout. The Girl Who Leapt Through Time and Summer Wars were both great but this is Mamoru Hosoda's best film to date. A treat.


3. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

So, you're in the middle of directing one of the biggest blockbuster movies of all time (3rd biggest to be exact) and you get two weeks off. What do you do? Take the wife and kids on a break? Go home and sleep? Well, if you are Joss Whedon you go make a film in your own house with no money starring a load of your friends. And not just any film either. Oh no. You make an adaptation of a Shakespeare play. In black and white. But surely not I hear you cry? That could never work. No where near enough time. And who the heck wants to watch a black and white Shakespeare play shot in someone's backyard anyway? Well, me as it turns out. And a lot of other people too. I won't bother with a plot summary. Go look it up if you don't know. Just know that Beatrice loves Benedick and vice versa but neither of them know it or will admit it until romantic circumstances arising between Benedick's friend and compatriot Claudio and Beatrice's cousin Hero force the issue. There are conspiracies, back-stabbings, tragedy, fury, romance, and lots of laughs. Yes, I swear. It is honestly, properly funny. Possibly the first time I have ever found a Shakespeare comedy funny. This being a Joss Whedon film he focuses on the gender issues highlighted by the story with Beatrice's heartfelt and rightly furious rant about the unfairness of it all being a highlight. Oh yeah, Amy Acker as Beatrice. She is fabulous. But then she always has been right back to her days as Fred and Iliyria on Angel. And as Benedick, Alexis Denisof is also great, full of swaggering charisma and latterly a growing fury and passion. The rest of the cast are good too including Clark Gregg as Leonato, the governor of Messina, and Fran Kranz as Claudio. However it is the duo of Nathan Fillion and Tom Lenk as bumbling cops Dogberry and Verges who almost steal the entire movie. They are hilarious. Even if you don't understand the language you will get what they are doing. Comedy gold. I've watched this several times now since it came out and it never gets dull. In fact, it is a pure joy from start to finish. I truly hope Joss shoots some more Shakespeare plays this way. It would be a crime not to let his little rep company get their Bard out more often for all of us to enjoy. Yup, Joss (and William) remains Boss!


2. PACIFIC RIM

It's big. It's not subtle. It's kinda daft. But boy, is it a blast! Guillermo del Toro brings to the screen in the way only he could the story of humans piloting giant mechas knows as Jaegers to fight off the cross dimensional invasion of giant monsters who appear through a rift at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. And that's pretty much it really. There's not any great depth to Pacific Rim (except when they are literally at the bottom of the Pacific of course). It's a giant monsters versus giant robots smash em up movie as filtered through the brain of monster loving, clockwork/gears obsessed Mexican geek demi-god del Torro. The cool and imposing Idris Elba as Stacker Penticost leads the charge for humanity in the dying days of the Humans vs Kaiju war which humans are now losing. However Penticost has one last card to play. He has a plan to end the war forever with one last major strike against the Kaiju's rift at the bottom of the sea. Raleigh Becket (Charlie Hunnam), a washed-up Jaeger pilot is called out of retirement and teamed with rookie pilot Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi) who also happens to be Penticost's adoptive daughter, to lead this last-ditch effort to defeat the Kaijus. What Pacific Rim really is, is an old fashioned WW2 against the odds mission movie. Backs against the wall, chaps. Tally ho! The look and design of the film for all its high tech robots echoes WW2 flicks from the Jaeger hangers and bases and barracks to the battered leather fleece lined jackets the pilots wear. It is this future retro feel that really makes me love the movie. That and the terrific visuals including the designs of the Jaegers and the various monstrous Kaijus. The epic battles when they happen are humongous and inventively staged slug fests using supertankers as baseball bats to batter a monster and rocket powered arms to land a more powerful punch. The performances are fine with Elba being suitably gruff and intense and Hunnam reluctantly heroic. Rinko Kakuchi as Mako is good too with a nice line in deceptive fragility. However it is the little girl Mana Ashida who plays Mako as a child who deserves most credit. The sequence of her wandering Tokyo utterly terrified as a massive Kaiju runs riot is scary good. The poor kid looks like del Toro was threatening to shoot a puppy off camera or something. Tremendous performance! In the end, Pacific Rim is just big gleeful nonsense. But I bloody loved every minute of it. Thankfully (mostly due to the great people of China) it became an international hit after only doing so so in the US. This may mean we get to see a sequel, although the movie ends the story perfectly so I wouldn't be too upset if we didn't get another does of this mecha on monster action.


1. GRAVITY

In space nobody can hear you crap your pants! At the start of this end of year round up I made the point that I am not claiming these to be 'the best' films of the year, merely the films I have personally enjoyed the most. However I can honestly say that Gravity IS the best film I saw this year. Hands down. It is quite simply astonishing. Sandra Bullock is scientist Dr Ryan Stone who becomes stranded in orbit after her shuttle is destroyed by debris from a satellite mishap. Along with fellow astronaut Kowalski (George Clooney) she must find a way to get back to Earth before either the debris field comes around again or they both run out of oxygen. What follows is one of the most intense, scary, stressful, beautiful, awe inspiring pieces of cinema ever. Just the visuals alone with the groundbreaking use of CGI and other visual FX is enough to make your jaw hit the floor, but add in the buttock clenching and seemingly hopeless fight for survival and you end up with what is an unparalleled cinematic experience. Gravity is only one of three films you simply must see in 3D. The other two being Avatar and Hugo. Okay, so Gravity is basically a genre film which plays out kinda like a horror movie. But it does have depth to it. It has themes and layers. The main ones being about the preciousness of life, birth and rebirth, the vastness of the cosmos but also the vastness of the human spirit and its will to survive, to go on no matter what. Of the actors, Clooney is of course splendid but the film belongs completely to Bullock who cements her position as one of the biggest genuine movie stars on the planet as well as being a tremendous actress. Because despite the visual wonders on show if you don't buy in to Dr Ryan Stone as a character then nothing else will work. But buy in you do. Gotta say for a woman in her late 40's Sandy B is seriously bucking the Hollywood starlet meatgrinder trend. And more power to her. But the success of Gravity would not have been possible without the visionary direction of Alfonso Cuarón, the genius Mexican director of Children of Men, Y Tu Mamá También, and the sublime A Little Princess. Cuarón is simply one of the very best filmmakers working today and I can't wait to see what he does next. Make no mistake, Gravity is the real deal. A tremendous piece of film making with a great central performance from a genuine movie star. I just hope Warners re-release it every few years so we can continue to see it as it was meant to be seen: on a huge screen in 3D. Cuz I really want that experience back.


Bubbling under:

Django Unchained, Rush, American Mary, The World's End, Les Miserables

And now my bottom five films of 2013:

5. THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES

A dull, hackneyed grab bag from other better fantasy franchises stuffed together in to this confusing, poorly written and completely uninvolving bore of a film. Only the super cute Lily Collins makes this even close to bearable. Thankfully it flopped...and yet they are making a sequel. Huh?

4. DRACULA 3D (Dario Argento's film)

Oh how the once mighty have fallen. Dario Argento has been a true visionary in the realm of horror cinema with classics such as Deep Red, Suspiria and Tenebre. But those days are long gone. Dracula 3D is a laughably bad retelling of Stoker's classic featuring some truly terrible acting, awful FX and poor general production values. Argento manages to reduce Stoker's creepy gothic horror story to a silly bland cartoon. Only buxom vampire bride Tania played by the gorgeous Miriam Giovanelli provides any life being charismatically sexy and nicely ferocious in her role. But this is mostly some major suckage.

3. LOVE BITE

A British alleged horror comedy set in a small seaside town which sees teen Jamie (Ed Speleers) and his three pals looking to get laid so that they don't fall victim to a possible werewolf who is out hunting down virgins. The situation gets complicated by Jamie falling for a visiting American girl Juliana (Jessica Szohr) who may or may not harbour a dark secret. Okay, so the filmmakers were obviously going for something akin to The Inbetweeners meets Cherry Falls meets Ginger Snaps. Unfortunately they failed dismally on every level. It's crude. Sure, that's easy. But it ain't funny. And it sure ain't scary, tense or even gory. It is just a big fat nothing. A big empty hole lasting 90 mins. I felt sorry for poor Timothy Spall as a deranged werewolf hunter. How did he end up in this rubbish?

2. A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

And so director John Moore and writer Skip Woods took a franchise I love (the first Die Hard is my second fave film ever), killed it, shat on it but then didn't even bother to flush it. They just left it there lying dead in cinema's toilet bowl mouldering away for us all to see before we turn away in violent disgust. Fuck them. Fuck them all. The basic premise of this the fifth Die Hard film is fine - McClane goes to Russia to help out his son who is in a spot of bother and gets dragged in to a criminal conspiracy to steal nuclear weapons. So far so solid. Problem is the resulting script is awful being filled with bad plotting, terrible dialogue and worst of all devolving John McClane – one of cinema's greatest heroes – in to a grumpy, ignorant, unlikable borderline psychopath who appears to care nothing about crushing cars with innocent civilians inside and seems to glory in getting his gun off whenever he can. That is NOT John McClane! McClane is always a reluctant hero, just a regular guy who is not eager for violence but who will step up and do the right thing if needed. But above all...he CARES!!! Add in the fact that John Moore is a director who can't shoot decent action to save his life and is incapable of bringing a sense of life or energy or drama to anything he makes and what we end up with is a complete and utter travesty of a Die Hard film. For all those people who thought Die Hard 4.0 was bad (I don't, I really like it) well, watch this and you'll think it was a stunner by comparison. Part of me hopes this is the end of McClane's adventures as I don't want to see the great man shat on anymore. But another part of me hopes that when John McTiernan is let out of prison he will get to make a sixth and final Die Hard which will restore the good name of the franchise and above all the good name and high standing of Mr John McClane. This? This is just utter, utter dispiriting shit. Shame on you, FOX.

1. A HAUNTED HOUSE

Any other year and A Good Day to Die Hard would easily clinch the bottom spot on this chart. However this year The Wayans Brothers (chiefly Marlon) unleashed this utterly wretched turd of a film on us. It's basically a spoof of the Paranormal Activity films (a series I've given up on now after the crap fourth film) that is so spectacularly unfunny and even offensive in places that I was quite amazed while struggling through it. What is even more amazing is that it made money and a sequel is on its way. Oh god no! But hey, if you think Marlon Wayans gurning like an idiot amidst lots of shouting, stupid sex jokes, borderline homophobic jokes, as well as a sequence which sees a young child being violently beaten is remotely funny then good luck to you. I don't. Quite the opposite in fact. I found nothing at all to like about this. I hated every vile second. At least A Good Day to Die Hard had a good score from Marco Beltrami to distract me from its shitness. No such luck here. Congrats Wayans Bros. With the likes of this, White Chicks and Littleman you continue to scrape the bottom of the comedy barrel. Gross.


That's all folks. Happy cinema going for 2014.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER 6.11 GONE

SMG on Craig Ferguson (cuz she is cute and funny)

WRITER: David Fury

DIRECTOR: David Fury

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

To help Willow in her recovery Buffy and Dawn clear the house of any and all magic items and supplies. But while they are doing so, Buffy receives an unwelcome visit from Spike, followed by an even more unwelcome visit from a social worker who has come to check up on Dawn's home life. Unfortunately the meeting with the social worker doesn't go well. That, alone with Spike's insistent lustful presence drives the now furious-with-herself Slayer to run upstairs and hack off her long blond hair. Meanwhile, across town, the Geek Trio have built themselves an invisibility ray and while out testing it accidentally go and hit Buffy with the ray as she is leaving the hairdressers, turning her invisible. Slayer related hijinks ensue.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

The freedom of being invisible, of being freed to do what you want and behave how you want without anybody knowing. Also, as far as Buff is concerned, she is free from the judging eyes of her friends and from Spike's lustful eyes and Dawn's angry eyes. But most importantly she is free from having to look in to her own eyes, free from seeing herself and who she thinks she has become.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

The Geek Trio I guess, though mostly Warren who it is becoming clear is the one who truly has no problem hurting others, especially women.

WHY IT ROCKS

A nice idea. Becoming invisible is a standard for almost every scifi/horror/fantasy series. But as always with Buffy it is used primarily as a means to explore character. In this case it is about how Buffy sees herself and how she thinks others see her...or don't see her. The show already did one episode concerning invisibility, season one's Out of Sight, Out of Mind, in which teenage Marcie became invisible for real after being ignored and sidelined by her peers for so long. That story was about alienation and teen rage. This one is about adult life pressures and guilt.

Funny. Okay, forget the metaphor and larger season arc, Gone is simply a very funny episode with more than one laugh out loud moment. Writer/director David Fury is not afraid to go very silly (and pretty raunchy) to make us smile. And it works.

Buffy larks around. Many good ones from Buff as she enjoys her new found invisible freedom. Love the 'eye' balls at the Magic Box, stealing the meter man's car (“So long coppa!”) and The Shining inspired repetitive typing at the social worker's office designed to freak the poor woman out (All work and no play makes Doris a dull girl.) Heh.

Spike doing his 'push ups'. Oh Xander, surely you can't be that dense? Walking in on Spike in bed humping away on an invisible Buffy and falling for Spike's 'I'm exercising' line. Plus you can clearly see Spike's ear moving as it is being nibbled on while he talks to Xander. Mind you, if I was Xan I wouldn't think Buff would be doing that kind of thing with Spike either. But whatever the case, the scene is very, very funny. And love how it ends with invisible Buff winning over a petulant Spike by giving him a special happy as, taken by surprise, he looks down at his (out of shot) groin and states, 'Hey, that's cheating.' Tsk tsk. Naughty Buff.

Direction. David Fury does a great job directing his script. His direction is wonderfully inventive, especially how he treats invisible Buffy and the invisible Trio as if you could still see them, following them 'in shot', zooming in for reaction shots we can't see, and shooting an invisible fight scene as if it were all entirely visible. Great stuff and most amusing.

WHY IT SUCKS

Very silly. Okay, maybe it does get a bit too silly for its own good. And the Trio, while fun, are still just three clever twits messing about and doing nothing very compelling.

Buffy's hair. Blimey! Never before (or since) has so much attention been paid to Buffy's hair as in this episode. Everyone and their sister comments and has an opinion on it. At least Xander has the good sense to be exasperated by this, just like the audience. It is obvious that in the first act SMG is wearing a pretty heinous wig which she then hacks away at before heading to the hairdressers for her new short do. I'm guessing SMG got her hair cut meaning they had to shoe horn this in for continuity sake.

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Spike's exercise routine

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Buffy: So you three have, what... banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren Meers: We're your "arch-nemesises-ses".

Buffy (to social worker): You know, I know what that looks like, but I-I swear it's not what it looks like. It's magic weed. It's not mine.

Jonathan Levinson: [Warren almost hits Jonathon with an invisibility ray] You penis!

Andrew Wells (about the invisible ray gun): I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.

Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike on top of invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
[starts doing "push-ups"]
Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta keep fit for killing.
Xander: Ya-huh.

AND ANOTHER THING

Doris the social worker is played by Susan Ruttan who you may remember played Arnie Becker's secretary Roxanne in LA Law

Doris's co-worker in the Social Services Office is played by writer/director David Fury's wife Elin Hampton. Together the couple co-wrote Season 2's "Go Fish".

Gone is the first episode without Amber Benson (Tara) since season five's 'Into The Woods' and marks only the sixth episode without her since she was introduced in season four's 'Hush'.

Buffy cheerily whistles a bit of Going Through the Motions from Once More, With Feeling after making social worker Doris Kroger look crazy.

HOW MANY STAKES?

Gone but not forgotten. 3.5 (out of 5)