NICE ONE DANNY, TRULY AN OLYMPIC EFFORT

London 2012 Opening Ceremony Music – ‘And I Will Kiss’ by Underworld (ft. Dame Evelyn Glennie)

Okay, I’m not a sports fan but I am a big fan of Danny Boyle, just like most people who enjoy great movies are. He has a unique vision of storytelling, often kinda queasy, kinda dark, kinda colourful, kinda weird, kinda subtly moving and subtly amusing at the same time, and always with tons of energy. He tells stories on film unlike anyone else. I mean, could anyone else have made Slumdog Millionaire the fantastic movie that it is? Could anyone else have made Trainspotting like that? Or 127 Hours? I don’t think so. He has a way of getting in to deep dark places and finding the bright light of humanity buried there. But when I heard he was going to be behind the opening ceremony for London 2012 I was conflicted.

On the one hand I thought it was a genius idea. Here’s a guy with a vibrant and unique vision of the world. He could do something truly different, truly mesmerising. Something no one else could ever do. On the other hand, it could easily end up as a jumbled unfocussed, garish mess. The London 2012 opening ceremony was either gonna be one of the coolest things I’ll ever see or one of the most embarrassing messes in entertainment history.

But Danny only went and did it, by gum!

What a truly dazzling, energised, engrossing, and just plain fun spectacle it was. Big and colourful, often chaotic, sometimes dark, sometimes emotional and always all kinds of eccentric, not to mention pleasingly humorous. In short, this particular Olympics opening ceremony was very, very British.

The themes I picked out were perfect. Change, innovation, creativity and caring. The main thread running through it all seemed to be about how, through innovation, we, the British, have irrevocably changed our nation and the rest of the world on at least two occasions. First there was the industrial revolution, and then there was the invention of the worldwide web, with all the good and ill that came with both. But above all the show was about who we are as a people. What it is we hold most precious, what it is we value above all. Danny Boyle seems to think it is our social reforms. And I would agree. All of those many great reforms that were so hard fought for down through the ages in order to try to build that promised mythic Jerusalem, with the most obvious as highlighted in the ceremony being our National Health Service. Now, of course, our NHS is not perfect. We’re not stupid. We know that. It has lots of problems. Things that need fixing. But that doesn’t mean that the idea itself, the belief is wrong. Universal healthcare free at the point of use with the provision of treatment based upon clinical need. No, it is not wrong at all. And as an idea, a belief, it deserves to be celebrated.

“…no society can legitimately call itself civilised if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means.”

- Nye Bevan, the Government Minister who oversaw the NHS’s creation in 1948


The rest of the world may not have understood why the NHS played such a big part in the Olympics Opening Ceremony. I do. It is the prime example of those social reforms Danny was keen to celebrate. Reforms based upon beliefs which help define how we see ourselves as a people. Yes, the United Kingdom remains a capitalist society – stalwarts of hard headed international trade and business and finance. But the British have always had a strong sense of social justice too - from William Wilberforce and the slavery abolitionists, to Dickens to Emily Pankhurst and the suffragettes, to the foundation of the modern welfare state and the creation of the NHS in 1948. Such a wonderful dichotomy, I know. But I got what Danny was doing. And he did it brilliantly.

Here are some of my favourite bits from the show:

The entirety of the opening ‘Pandemonium’ sequence with Kenneth Branagh as Brunel

JK Rowling reading from Peter Pan

The many Mary Poppins’ flying down to defend the kids in the hospital beds against the monsters

The spelling out of NHS

James Bond and the Queen and the blatant The Spy Who Loved Me homage

Pretty Vacant

Fire Starter

Tim Burners Lee “For Everyone”

The amazing design of the cauldron when finally revealed. A real ‘WOW’ moment.

Sir Paul McCartney leading the crowd with Hey Jude. He wasn’t in his best voice but you can’t go wrong with THAT song.

In the end, Danny Boyle and his army of volunteers created a wonderfully colourful, chaotic and utterly idiosyncratic piece of theatre that no other country could (or would) do in quite the same way. It was a celebration of people, of storytelling, of creativity, of past, present and future. And I for one bloody loved it.

Nice one Danny.

Is this bad? It's a Dead Cert it is.

Dead Cert

Dead Cert is a truly dire British gangster/vampire mashup movie with the germ of a fun idea: modern London gangsters (as popularised by Guy Ritchie and Mathew Vaughan) meet vicious vampire bloodletting. Layer Cake meets From Dusk ‘till Dawn if you will.

Dead Cert tells of a gangland turf war in which reformed gangster Craig Fairbrass loses his beloved and newly opened lap dancing club to some dodgy eastern Europeans led by The Bill’s Billy Murray (!) in a bet over a bare knuckle boxing match that ends up killing Fairbrass’ man in the ring Apollo Creed style. Thinking he’s been cheated and feeling bitter about the death of his boxer (who was also his wife’s brother) Fairbrass recruits his old gang mates and heads back to the club to take out the Euro trash and reclaim his life. Only problem is said Euro trash is really a gang of ancient vampires keen to return to London and their long lost power base. Cue one hell of a bloody (awful) showdown in the club.

Dead Cert is a goofy and daft idea for a movie, but also a potentially fun idea. I say potentially cuz the idea is utterly squandered here. Let me list the main problems:

1. The script is awful with poor characters, naff dialogue and plotting that makes little sense (it is never explained exactly why the vamps want the club).
2. The acting is dull and wooden even from old pros like Dexter Fletcher.
3. The direction is flat and amateurish with no talent for shot composition, no sense of pace or flow to the story and no excitement or tension whatsoever.
4. The vamps are hilariously bad and about as scary as the Count from Sesame Street.
5. Billy Murray is in it.
6. Billy Murray produced it.
7. There is no humour at all…at least no intentional humour.
8. Craig Fairbrass is in it.

Arguably the most telling thing that this is utter rubbish is when you have the seasoned, always entertaining and frankly bonkers actor Steven Berkoff in what is essentially the Van Helsing role…and he’s as crap as everyone else. And when Berkoff is crap you know you’re in trouble.

It’s pretty obvious that the only way Dead Cert got made was due to favours from friends. I mean how else would you get the likes of Dexter Fletcher, Steven Berkoff, Jason Flemyng and Danny Dyer (in a blink and you’ll miss him cameo) in this rubbish? Okay, so maybe Danny Dyer. I can think of only one thing that I really truly enjoyed in Dead Cert and that was the presence of some very attractive young ladies in various roles - especially the gorgeous Lucinda Rhodes-Flaherty. But that’s just a very base male response that I’m not proud of and that has nothing to do with the quality or lack thereof of the film. But there it is anyway.

Bottom line: Dead Cert is dead awful. Avoid. (0/5)

Lonely Werewolf Girl

I’ve just finished reading Lonely Werewolf Girl, an off beat, very funny, hugely entertaining book by Scottish author Martin Millar.

This is a most excellent novel. It’s a darkly humorous tale with a strong story and a big cast of characters who are just so much fun to follow through its five hundred and twenty pages. These people feel fully rounded with their own distinctive voices and attitudes and complex sets of problems and issues. The tone, for the most part, is darkly humorous with monsters, magic, mayhem, horror and violence mixed in with the normal everyday of work, study, failed romance, endless mugs of tea, going to gigs, going to the pub, watching cable TV, listening to and talking about music. The book feels leftfield and more than a little punk in attitude with non-conformist outsider characters that end up coming together in uneasy, difficult yet ultimately beneficial relationships. It is also, quite simply, very, very funny. I laughed out loud a lot while reading Lonely Werewolf Girl. As a total coincidence I found out after the fact that author Martin Millar is a massive Buffy geek…just like me. And Lonely Werewolf Girl does have a bit of that Buffy vibe about it – the tonal shifts in the mix of action, then quirky/dry humour, then horror, then emotional drama and often all in the space of the same scene and always with an underlying theme. But it’s not a copy or homage to the Bufster. It is most definitely its own thing with its own voice. And a mighty fine voice it is too.

The central plot hinges on a family power struggle as to who will be the next Thane of the Scottish MacRinnalch werewolf clan - basically becoming leader of all werewolves in the world. The eldest son, Sarapen MacRinnalch, thinks the title is his by right, whilst his mother, Verasa, will do whatever she can to make Markus, her younger, favoured son, the new Thane…even if it means a bloody civil war. Votes are needed at the clan council to secure the victor, to secure the new Thane legally. However, things are at a stalemate as the three members of the clan with the likely deciding votes are not around to cast them. Two of the three being the young rebellious twins Beauty and Delicious who are living a drunken hedonistic life in London while half-heartedly trying to become rock stars. The third voter is Sarapen and Markus's youngest sister, seventeen year old Kalix. Kalix, the titular Lonely Werewolf Girl, ran away from Castle MacRinnalch several months prior after attacking her father and indirectly causing his later death. Poor Kalix is a deeply troubled girl. Living rough in London, she’s lost and alone and can barely read a few words or write her own name. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety while also being addicted to laudanum. Despite continually running away from everything and everyone, events soon conspire to throw Kalix together with two kind-hearted young students whom, by taking pity of her, become unwittingly embroiled in the complex and deadly werewolf world. And big bad Sarapen’s forces are on the move in London and Scotland. He's determined to eliminate any and all obstacles to his becoming Thane. And young Kalix is right at the top of the list.

It has to be said that Kalix is a brilliant character. The best I’ve read in a long time. You can’t help but feel for her and just want her to be happy. She lives her life on the streets, ostracised by her family, swinging from extreme anxiety to extreme depression with substance abuse (mostly laudanum) and self-harm being her main ways of handling things. She is also affectingly innocent in her ways with a very sweet, longstanding obsession with the 1970’s girl group The Runaways. Kalix believes them to be the greatest thing ever and longs for Joan Jett to be her real mother. Later on she also develops an addiction to Sabrina the Teenage Witch but can’t understand why such a great show isn’t on the TV all the time and why they keep repeating the same episodes when there should be an endless supply of new ones. Yet, despite her problems and naivety, Kalix is a ferocious and powerful fighter who, when the battle madness takes her, can tear apart other werewolves and werewolf hunters more than twice her size as if they were nothing.

A couple of funny quotes from the brilliantly hilarious, fashion obsessed Malveria, the powerful Fire Queen from another dimension:

"Their blood-soaked bodies are no doubt strewn about downstairs at this moment!" cried Malveria. "If we hurry we may save the shoes!"

"That is it. Cricket. Apparently the rules of this game are most puzzling and complex. Daniel tried to explain these rules to Vex. As a consequence of this I understand she almost lost consciousness, and had to be helped to a chair, in a very poor state of mind. It was some time before she could summon enough energy to return to her own dimension. She has subsequently refused to leave her room, and has only her favourite cuddly toy for comfort."


Bottom line: this is a great book by a gifted writer who can weave a big, complex tale with a myriad of distinct and interesting characters while juggling drama, action and humour exactly right. So if you like urban fantasy/horror with a smart, blackly hilarious and counter culture feel, then you should love this book. Martin Millar is currently working on the sequel tentatively titled Queen Vex and due out late 2010. And a Lonely Werewolf Girl movie is apparently in the works too.