BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER 6.1: BARGAINING (PART 1)

Promo

WRITER: Marti Noxon

DIRECTOR: David Grossman

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

And we’re back!

It’s been several months since Buffy died, sacrificing herself at Glory’s Tower to save her little sister as well as the rest of the world. Things in Sunnydale seem to have settled in to some sort of slaying routine, even without our deceased heroine being around. The gang, led by a mystic all seeing (and telepathic) Willow, are a well oiled slaying machine…kind of. They are all present and correct – Tara, Giles, Anya, Xander and Spike, all following Willow’s instructions to hunt down and slay a big fat vamp in the cemetery. Oh, and they have an ace up their sleeve. The Buffybot. The gang are using our reprogrammed electro girl to make the supernatural world think that the Slayer is still alive and kicking…their arses. And RoboBuffy has been doing a mighty fine job of it too, even cracking wise in a fight just like the real Buffster.

But no matter how good a copy she is, Buffybot is not the real Buffster.

The truth is Buffy’s demise has left a gaping hole in the lives of all the Scooby gang. They miss her terribly. Guilt is rife, especially from Giles and Spike. And poor Dawn, while putting a brave face on her loss, at night sneaks in to the room where the Buffybot recharges and secretly cuddles up to the robotic copy of her lost sister.

But unbeknownst to Dawn, Spike and Giles, Willow has a plan.

She’s refused to give up on the lost Slayer and has vowed to use whatever magic she can to bring Buffy back! Working secretly with Tara, Xander and Anya, she is preparing a dark and very dangerous spell to rescue Buffy from the eternal torment of the hell dimension in which she thinks Buffy is trapped. Willow declares that because Buffy died an unnatural death through mystic energy, they have a very good chance of bringing her back to life. Xander though is unsure, worried about the morality of what they plan to do. But Willow convinces him, mostly with the simple words: “It’s Buffy!” Xander can’t argue with that and agrees to help. The plan of resurrection is on for that very night.

Meanwhile, a weaselly little vampire has managed to cause a slight injury to Buffybot, exposing her electrical circuitry and damaging her navigational system, thus allowing the little monster to get away. He escapes with the knowledge that the Slayer is in fact nothing more than a machine and he ends up at an out of town bar where he tells his story to an ugly and vicious gang of motorcycle demons who all now know that with the real Slayer gone the Hellmouth is ripe for the taking. The vile gang heads off at top speed, violence on their minds, destination: Sunnydale.

Also meanwhile, Giles has decided to leave. He’s realised that with Buffy gone he has no real reason to stay. And so he secretly heads to the airport to catch a plane back to England. But the Scoobies discover what he is doing and they just about manage to get to the airport for a heartfelt goodbye before the G man’s flight is called. And so Giles leaves, not knowing that Willow and co. are planning on Bringing Buffy back that very same night; a plan he is not informed of as Willow knows that he would try to stop her.

And so later that night, gathered around Buffy’s grave, Willow begins the ritual with Tara, Xander and Anya looking on concerned.

Said ritual is dark, and it is extremely painful on Willow. Her flesh is slashed, bugs crawl under her skin, and she vomits up a snake! Xander tries to stop it but Tara stops him, saying Willow told her this would happen, that it is a test. But just as the ritual is building to its climax the demon biker gang shows up pursuing the Buffybot who is damaged and has automatically sought out Willow for repair. Then, right at the crucial moment of the ritual, a demon’s motorcycle goes and breaks the Urn of Osiris, abruptly ending Willow’s resurrection spell. Heartbroken by the perceived failure and terrified by the rampaging demons, the Scoobies flee in to the woods leaving behind the damaged Buffybot to be taunted and tortured by the evil horde.

Meanwhile, underground, inside her coffin, the withered corpse of Buffy Anne Summers is enveloped by mystical energy and begins to regenerate. After a few shimmering seconds, the now newly regenerated slayer opens her eyes and gasps for air. She’s alive! ALIVE!

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

Not too much in the way of underlying theme or subtext here. I guess the only obvious one is about how we each deal with loss - the refusal to believe it, to accept it, the guilt, the anger, the simple terrible absence in your life. All are shown here, though they are not explored in any great depth.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Demonic motorcycle gang The Hellions. Ugly bunch of suckers.

WHY IT ROCKS

Life goes on: the gang are all stepping up and dealing with life after Buffy. The world still thinks the Slayer is active. With Willow and Tara now living at 1630 Revello a new family unit has been created to look after Dawn and to keep things afloat. It all seems plausible and workable. And with Buffybot around, life, though different, appears not to be so bad. At least on the surface.

How we deal: There are some nice character beats throughout the ep. showing how the Scoobies are (and are not) dealing with the loss of the Buffster. Willow refuses to believe she is gone, being determined to put things right via magic at any cost (a portent of her fall from grace this season). Giles is feeling guilty and is full of self loathing, thinking he has finally achieved a Watchers role in life – to watch his Slayer die. Spike is angry with himself for having failed to save Buffy, for having failed to keep his promise to her to protect Dawn, and as a result has now turned in to Dawn’s constant babysitter, refusing to leave her on her own and unprotected. And Dawn, she is quietly accepting, though in secret she pines desperately for her sister. Only Xander seems to be the voice of reason and true acceptance. Of course that doesn’t last after Willow convinces him otherwise.

The set up: part 1 is of course all about showing where everyone is, physically, emotionally and mentally, and about getting them to the point of bringing Buffy back. The emotional beats provided by Marti Noxon’s functional yet emotionally engaging script are all honest and affecting. We feel the Scoobies sense of loss, of pain. We feel awful for poor Dawnie as she cuddles up at night to the Buffybot. We feel Giles’ stoic anguish, Willow’s stubborn refusal, and perhaps most of all, Spike’s barely restrained fury and pain. Soulless? No way.

Buffybot: Aw, I love her so much. The innocent, smiley, chirpy, ever helpful Buffybot. So cute. And SMG is fabulous at playing her. It’s such a great device to keep your star in the episode and the character around when she really isn’t. Plus she’s just so darn adorable. I especially like how Spike can’t look at her properly anymore and is devastated when a bit of her old ‘I adore Spike’ programming rears its head. It’s all about character.

The funny: for what could be a very depressing and mawkish episode Bargaining Part 1 defies those expectations to actually be very funny and charming. Much of this is thanks to Buffybot and to some great lines of dialogue from a cast so in tune with their characters and with each other.

Stylish: Willow et al sure do have stylish wardrobes this year. World of leather must have signed them up for a discount. They all look great. All the girls look gorgeous, dressed and made up to the nines. The lads all look great too, cool and handsome. The photography is glossy and lush and the FX top notch. The move to UPN seems to have done them all the world of good.

WHY IT SUCKS

Um, demon bikers? Okay, the demon biker gang The Hellions are a goofy idea much like the Knights who say Nee from season 5 (or whatever they were called). They are just a bunch of dumb violent lugs and nothing more. And how do they exist and operate in a world that is still largely unaware of the supernatural? They seem to ride around and hang out in bars without giving their appearance to humans a second thought.

Where are all the cops? So the demon gang discover that the Slayer is no more and decide it is open season on Sunnydale. They show up in town and promptly run riot, looting, destroying, burning… And where exactly are Sunnydale’s finest while all this is going down? Have they all gone out for doughnuts? Are they all on summer leave? C’mon! Buff wasn’t the only protection Sunnydale had from bad guys.

The headstone: So, if the gang are trying to make the world think Buffy is alive and well and still slaying, why then do they plant a great big headstone with her name on it in the cemetery where all can see, effectively telling the world she is dead? Duh!

IT’S BUFFTASTIC

Lots of great moments but for pure shock value it has to be Willow, the cute baby deer, and the BIG knife! Oh my god, she killed Bambi!

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?

Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!

Willow: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Ooh, who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: "You know, if we want her to be exactly, she'll never be exactly, the only really real Buffy is really Buffy, and she's gone" who?

Xander: House of chicks, relax. I'm a man, and I have a tool. (pause) Tools. Lots of plural tools, in my, uh, toolbox.

Spike (to Dawn): She responded to Buffy-Bot because a robot is predictable. Boring. A perfect teacher's pet. That's all school's are, you know. Just factories, spewing out mindless little automatons. (Guilty pause) Who go on to be very valuable and productive members of society, and you should go.

Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?
Anya: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox for...
Xander: (coughs)
Anya: A friend.

Buffybot: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.

Anya (to Giles): I'll take really good care of your money.

AND ANOTHER THING

In the US part 1 was originally shown with part 2 as a feature-length special to celebrate Buffy's re-launch on the UPN network. On the UK DVD set it also plays as one long double episode.

Responding to the Buffybot's comment about "That'll put marzipan in your pie-plate bingo", Spike asks "Why the Dada-ism?" referring to the German absurdist art movement of the 1920s. Not many prime time US shows would casually refer to such things. Love it.

Tara gives Giles a little rubber monster as a leaving present and says "Grrr, argh" - clearly a reference to the monster in the Mutant Enemy logo at the end of every episode.

This episode is the first time that Anthony Stewart Head is listed as a guest star in the credits. Alyson Hannigan now appears in the opening sequence in the spot he used to occupy. Tony had decided to leave the show full time in order to spend more time with his family back in England and to pursue other roles. But he remained a big part of the show for its remaining two seasons.

Season six sees the writer of this episode Marti Noxon promoted to co-executive producer alongside Joss, taking on the day to day running of the show as Joss moved on to do other things. Thus her name now appears alongside Joss' in the end credits.

The scene where Willow kills the deer is nasty enough but originally it was a lot gorier and had to be cut back in order to be suitable for transmission. Interestingly, the music playing during this scene is listed in the production notes as "Willow Stabs Bambi". Alyson Hannigan found it extremely difficult to film this scene. She was very upset at the thought of Willow doing such a thing and Marti Noxon says that Alyson cried the whole day it was being filmed.

In this episode we discover that Anya and Xander are engaged, but Xander doesn’t want to tell the others yet, causing tension between him and Anya.

Franc Ross, who played the lead hellion demon Razor, played ‘Monty Reynolds’ in Joss Whedon’s Firefly episode ‘Trash’.

The vampire who discovers that Buffy is a robot is wearing a Hanson t-shirt. Vampire or not, he is clearly evil.

HOW MANY STAKES?

It’s a bargain at 4 (out of 5)

BUFFY 5.11: TRIANGLE

Some of Anya’s best bits

WRITER: Jane Espenson

DIRECTOR: Christopher Hibler

WHAT’S THE SITCH?

Giles heads off to England to meet with the Watcher’s Council to discuss Glory leaving Anya in charge of the Magic Box. Tensions between Anya and Willow soon arise over Willow using ingredients for spells without paying. But it is obvious this is just a cover for far more deep seated issues between the pair, mostly revolving around Xander. Much arguing and tomfoolery eventually leads to a giant troll called Olaf (who happens to be an ex boyfriend of Anya’s) being accidentally released from a magic crystal and then going on the rampage around town looking for ale to drink, wenches to have his way with, and fat little babies to eat. Working together Anya and Willow must track down big bad Troll and get him back in the crystal before he can wreak any more havoc.

WHAT’S THE SITCH BENEATH THE SITCH?

The ol’ tension between the best friend and the girl friend, each one jealous of the other, afraid they are gonna hurt or ‘take away’ the poor sap stuck in the middle. In this case Xander.

WHO’S GIVING US THE WIGGINS THIS WEEK?

Olaf the troll

WHY IT ROCKS

It’s a three-way. The idea behind this episode is pretty fun and is something lots of people can relate to (not the troll, the girlfriend/best friend thing). The tension between Willow and Anya has been building for a while now and it blows up nicely in this episode.

Jane Espenson brings the funny. Yep, Triangle is a Jane Espenson script, and as such it brings a lot of funny to the party. It’s pretty over the top in places (Olaf himself is a totally OTT creation) and veers from silly slapstick to witty wordplay to almost French farce in places. But it works.

Comedy direction. Veteran TV director Christopher Hibler brings his long held expertise with comedy to this episode. The direction of the comedy and its timing is impeccable leading to several laugh out loud moments.

Olaf the troll. Olaf is a great creation brought hilariously to life by long time ER actor Abraham Benrubi who’s clearly having a whale of a time shouting every line while smashing stuff up and hunting down ale to drink, wenches to have his way with, and fat tasty babies to eat. Benrubi returned to the role in the season 7 episode ‘Selfless’.

Spike. Once again James Marsters is all kinds of awesome in this ep. The scene where he practices giving a box of chocolates to a fake Buffy (a mannequin with blond wig on) before getting in a one sided argument with said mannequin, then attacking it…then calmly resetting it and starting again is hilarious. His encounter with Olaf at the Bronze is equally good and very funny, especially when Xander suggests to Spike that he could maybe fight the troll and stop his rampage and Spike answers nonchalantly, “Yeah, I could do that. But I’m paralysed with not caring very much.”

Anya. As always Emma Caulfield is very funny and very cute as ex-vengeance demon Anya whose past comes back to haunt her when it is revealed that Olaf was an ex of hers from back in the dark ages who she turned in to a troll after he cheated on her. Turns out it was that act that got her the job of becoming a vengeance demon.

WHY IT SUCKS

Very silly. This is one of the most out and out silly episodes of the entire run of the show. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though, as this show does silly very, very well and still always manages to keep a serious theme going. But the goofy tone is kinda unrelenting. Even Buffy’s emotional state post-Riley leaving is played for laughs with her breaking down in to exaggerated comedy tears every time something remotely sad happens.

Where did Riley go? How do Buffy and the rest of the gang know so much about Riley's "secret" mission? He didn't tell her where he was going and never mentioned anything to do with "the jungle".

Anya the driver. Anya tells Willow that she's never driven before, but in Graduation Day Part One, she told Xander she had a car outside, and suggested that they leave Sunnydale, taking turns driving.

ITS BUFFTASTIC

Spike’s rant at, and then attacking of his ‘practice’ Buffy mannequin.

DIALOGUE TO DIE FOR

Anya: If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know? Big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of coloured wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?

Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.

Giles: Dealing with people requires a certain, uh, finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom!

Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction.

Spike (holding a box of chocolates, talking to a mannequin with a blond wig): Um... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... (long pause) Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed — by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. (He stares at the mannequin and starts to get increasingly angry.) Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favour! And you, being dead petty about it — me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and— you ungrateful bitch! Fuc— bitch!
(He loses control and smashes the box of chocolates over the mannequin's head. He then sighs, picks up the mannequin and replaces it. He rearranges the wig, picks up the box of chocolate, and tries to stuff the chocolates back in. He composes himself and faces the mannequin again. )
Spike: Buffy... there's something I want to tell you.

Olaf (upon bashing a dumpster with his hammer): Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Puny receptacle!

Olaf: Bar maid! Bring me stronger ale! And some plump, succulent babies to eat!

Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Olaf (to Spike): You there! Do you know where there are babies?
Spike (to Xander): What do ya think, the hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up!

Willow: I wish Buffy was here!
(Buffy runs in.)
Buffy: I'm here!
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars!

AND ANOTHER THING

Abraham Benrubi who plays Olaf is probably best known as a regular on ER playing desk clerk Jerry Markovic. He also provides the voice of Darth Vader (and others) on Robot Chicken, co-created by Seth (Oz) Green. He has also starred in an episode of The X-Files and had a supporting role in the film Twister.

This is the only episode of Buffy directed by Christopher Hibler, a veteran television director who worked on shows such as Remington Steele, Moonlighting, and Quantum Leap. He passed away in 2010 aged 68.

HOW MANY STAKES?

It’s troll-tastic! 4 (out of 5)

Dark Shadows aka Depp Gets to be Weird Again

Trailer for Dark Shadows (2012)


Trailer for House of Dark Shadows (1970)

Dark Shadows is director Tim Burton and star Johnny Depp’s latest film collaboration. And while it’s not their best (Ed Wood) it certainly isn’t their worst (Alice in Wonderland anybody? No? Okay.)

Based on a US supernatural daytime soap from the 60’s, Dark Shadows follows Barnabas Collins, a cursed vampire imprisoned in a coffin for two hundred years, who is accidentally freed in the year 1972. Finally freed from his centuries old prison, Barnabas sets about helping his descendants in the small New England fishing town of Collinsport rebuild the once great Collins family name and business empire. Unfortunately for Barnabas the witch who cursed him back in the 1770’s is still around in the delectable form of Eva Green and is currently running the town through her own business empire, much of it poached from what the now faded Collins’ family once had. Cue goofy fish out of water fun as Barnabas negotiates his way around 1972 and its many strange social and technical advances while also scheming and plotting to get the family business back on top. Not to mention getting his revenge on nasty/sexy Eva Green. Amidst all these shenanigans the old world vamp also manages to fall for the Collins’ new governess Victoria Winters who bears an uncanny resemblance to the woman he loved long ago and who killed herself while under evil witch Eva’s spell.

If this all sounds like some bad soap opera, well, um, that’s cuz it is.

Now I’ve not seen the original Dark Shadows but I have seen the early 90’s revival and one of the two 70’s movies adapted from the show. And Burton and Depp’s movie sticks pretty close to the main storylines of both: the fading dysfunctional family, Barnabas falling for Victoria, Dr Hoffman’s devious actions, the nasty witch. All present and correct.

But does this new version work as a movie? Yes and no.

I enjoyed Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows. A fair bit. I enjoy Burton’s obvious affection for gothic melodrama. I can relate. I was brought up watching old Hammer horror films - a clear influence on Tim B, especially in Sleepy Hollow, The Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd and now Dark Shadows (and why Christopher Lee cameos in most of ‘em). I enjoy the aesthetic. Also I’m pretty sure that if the original Dark Shadows had been on TV over here in the UK when I was a kid, then I, like Burton and Depp, would have been hooked too. But a movie is not a TV soap opera. Burton’s movie, like a TV soap opera, has many plot lines and subplots, all lifted from the series. Unlike a TV show, though, a movie is constrained by certain narrative needs and a running time. That’s not to say that multiple plot lines, character arcs etc. can’t be done well in a movie. They can. Look what Joss has just achieved with The Avengers: multiple story strands, character arcs, set ups and payoffs all perfectly balanced and effortlessly successful. Not a minute of screen time is wasted. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows. Here various story elements feel short changed, rather pointless, lacking in weight.

Oddly, storywise Dan Curtis’ 1970 film House of Dark Shadows did a better job of it. Curtis’ film cut loose all the business stuff and witch revenge seen in Burton’s take. Instead it focussed on Barnabas’ escape from his two hundred year imprisonment, ingratiating himself in to the family by posing as a distant cousin from England while slowly sucking his way through the locals and trying to woo the family’s governess who reminds him of his long lost love. In Curtis’ film Barnabas is a tragic, reluctant monster. But a monster nonetheless who wilfully kills out of need, lust and anger, stopping at nothing to get the woman he thinks he loves. Original actor Jonathan Frid imbued his Barnabas with a cold, ruthless charm and noble theatrical viciousness. Quite effectively. In the new movie, Depp’s Barnabas is a funny, weird oddball who even though he does kill never really comes across as a dangerous monster. He isn’t selfish or cruel, which, from what I saw, Frid’s version most certainly was. Curtis’ 1970 film is far from perfect. It is cheesy (especially to our modern jaded eyes) and relentlessly old fashioned. But it does have atmosphere, a couple of ok scares, some cool Dick Smith make-up, and Frid being coldly creepy in the lead. It also has a more focussed narrative than Burton’s all-over-the-place remake.

In the end, Burton’s film might not hang together too well, but at least I was never bored and laughed a fair bit while loving the gorgeous photography and art direction. The entire cast were great too, especially oddball Depp, sexy Eva and the wonderfully sneering teen angst of Chloe Moretz. I also dug the overall 70's vibe (loved the opening credits to the Moody Blues while tracking Victoria's journey to Collinsport). And any film with Alice Cooper singing No More Mr Nice Guy scores at least some points in my book. But it is Depp who holds it all together. He might not have the cold menace of Frid but his Barnabas is a nicely oddball/weird/silly reluctant fish-out-of-water who's trying to do the right thing despite having to kill the odd hippie or ten.

Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows ain't perfect and is perhaps a little too slavish to its soap opera origins to make for a strong film in its own right, but I had a pretty good time with it. On the Burton scale it's perhaps one notch down from Sleepy Hollow, which to my mind is a movie that gets the weird/silly/creepy Burtonesque balance just about right. 3.5 (out of 5)

Karl Pilkington Vs. Organ Donation

I've been catching the odd episode of HBO's The Ricky Gervais Show over the past couple of weeks.

I was never a huge fan of Gervais or The Office and stumbled on this by complete accident. Basically Gervais, Stephen Merchant and thier friend and colleague, the spectacularly odd (and slightly dense) Karl Pilkington sit around a table and discuss various topics, usually focussing in on Karl's attitudes and ideas about life, the universe and everything. The conversations are then animated in a Hanna Barbera style.

And bloody funny it is too.

It is Pilkington who makes the show. His low key, slightly drowsy, dopey delivery is hilarious, as are the many strange, offbeat anecdotes and ill conceived thoughts on the world he comes out with. What makes it doubly funny is Gervais and Merchant poking vicious holes in almost everything he comes out with using nothing more than common sense and logic. The funniest one I saw was when Karl is explaining why he didn't tick the box for eyes on an organ donor form but ticked the boxes for everything else. It is pure insane genius covering everything from ghostly rectal exams to meteorite strikes. Watch it below. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breath the first time I saw it. Karl is fab.

Jackboots on Whitehall: Plastic Nazis Just Aren't Funny

The trailer makes this look better than it is.

Okay, so I’d heard some good things about this British World War 2 puppet movie.

Sadly they were almost all lies.

Oh dear…

Jackboots on Whitehall is a low budget British 'satire' about the fight-back after a successful Nazi invasion of Great Britain in 1940. The movie is filmed in Panzervision (just one of many such ‘hilarious’ wordplays to follow) and features barely articulated dolls of the Action Man and Barbie style filmed on miniature sets. Bizarrely this film boasts a top-notch voice cast featuring Ewan McGregor, Alan Cumming, Dominic West, Timothy Spall, Tom Wilkinson, Rosamund Pike, Steven Merchant, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Richard Griffiths and Richard O’Brien amongst others. And how the hell did THAT happen?

The basic plot sees big-handed foundling farmboy Chris (McGregor) set off for London with a rag tag bunch of Kent yokels to save Winston Churchill (Spall) from a Nazi force which has just tunnelled its way up in to London. Saving the PM in the nick of time, Chris, his hoped-for girlfriend Daisy (Pike) along with brash and gung-ho American pilot Fisk (West), brave Rupee (Bhaskar) and his bunch of Indian soldiers (don’t ask) make a dash for Scotland for a last stand at Hadrian’s Wall. In this universe Scotland is a ghostly land of unknown terrors where people fear to go – even Nazis – and is home to a mythical and bloodthirsty army of warriors. Arriving in Scotland, the small band prepare a defence at Hadrian’s Wall, while Chris is sent off in to the misty wilderness to find the mythical Scots army to try and get their help in defeating the coming Nazis. Can Chris find and convince the bloodthirsty Scots to help in time to save Churchill and his rag tag army at Hadrian’s Wall? Will Chris find out the truth about his origins and why he has such big hands? Will he get to be with his true love Daisy over the opposition of her bigoted vicar father? Will I laugh more than twice when watching this silly, amateurish mess? That would be yes, yes, yes and no.

Look, I can cope with the crappy doll design and the cheap production values - it adds a certain ‘made in your bedroom’ charm to it all. Kinda like the old Adam and Joe show. The voice cast too is bizarrely impressive. But the two big problems here are: 1) the script is shit, and 2) the directors (Edward and Rory McHenry who are also the writers) clearly have no real idea what they are doing. The film feels like a mishmash of daft ideas that were put together as they were going along – like a couple of young kids just arsing around with their toys and a camera over many a weekend. Unlike the vastly superior Team America (an obvious inspiration) the satire here is not in anyway sharp, focussed or meaningful. So without any decent satire what we get left with is loads of silly wordplay and unfunny homages to/spoofs of movies like The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Zulu, Independence Day and Braveheart with pot shots at Mel Gibson about fifteen years out of date (there are much better ones to be had nowadays). Plus we get plenty of witless and deeply unfunny playground stereotypes (the Nazi’s arrive in London and the first thing they do is reorganise the London Underground to make it more efficient; King George protests to the Germans that he’s actually one of them; the Frenchman shags every woman in sight). There’s also loads of swearing and plenty of over the top violence on show, which, give ‘em their dues, are the two things that work best in the film. They constituted the only two moments I actually remember laughing while watching it. Sad but true.

Basically Jackboots on Whitehall is a poorly made and messy melding of the likes of Team America, Dad’s Army, Alo Alo, Carry On films, and those godawful Date Movie/Meet the Spartans type spoofs. Although, to be fair, it never ever gets as bad as those vile abortions as the sheer childish amateurish enthusiasm of the writers/directors does come through, providing a certain shoddy charm to it all. Oh, and it also has the sight of Hitler in a dress – Queen Elizabeth the First’s dress no less. Not funny, but odd enough to make a small mark on my brain. But the following two burning questions still remain to be answered: 1) how the hell did this ever get funding, and 2) how on earth did they ever get the voice cast that they got? Was there a major drought of acting work in Britain that week?
(1.5/out of 5)

Emma scores an Easy A from me

It’s official: Emma Stone rocks!

You might remember pretty red head Emma from her supporting roles in The House Bunny, Superbad and Zombieland plus her various TV appearances. And she was uniformly excellent in all of them. Because what Emma has is an aura of sharp intelligence to her acting not to mention bags of natural charm to go with her impeccable comic instincts and timing. As a result, she’s been at the top of the list of the new generation of Hollywood up and comers to watch, in the same way that Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock were twenty or so years ago. Because just like those two, as well as having bags of talent, Emma also has that certain indefinable something that quite simply makes the camera and the audience love her. She has star quality.

In Easy A, written by Bert V Royal and directed by Will Gluck, Emma plays socially invisible high school student Olive. Mostly ignored by her fellow students, the whip smart, witty Olive tells a little lie to avoid going on a camping trip with her best friend and her best friends weird parents. Said little lie involves a fictitious date with a college freshman. Well, one thing leads to another and the little lie soon gets out of hand evolving in to a much bigger lie about Olive losing her virginity and engaging in all kinds of freaky sex games with the made-up boy. Unfortunately this bigger, badder lie soon spreads further afield than it was intended, mutating ever more as the school rumour mill goes in to overdrive. And before poor Olive can say ‘woman of easy virtue’ the entire school now thinks she’s a (insert derogatory word for a woman who has lots of sex with lots of different men.) Despite her protestations of innocence, the rumours still continue to grow and she very quickly becomes a social pariah and a target for the schools group of creepy Christian holier than though kids. Olive is so incensed by what’s happened that she decides if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So, taking payment in the form of cash/vouchers/coupons etc. she pretends to have had sex with several dopey boys in order to help them out of various social jams. All the while she starts dressing like a burlesque dancer and wearing a scarlet ‘A’ on her clothes mirroring the book her English class have been reading, Nathaniel Hawthorn’s The Scarlet Letter, a story of adultery and hypocritical puritanical persecution in 17th Century America. Interwoven in to all of this is the fairly standard romantic story of the one boy Olive has really liked since they were both small and who can see through all of the lies about her.

So, essentially, Easy A is The Scarlet Letter transposed to a contemporary Californian High School in a similar way to how the great Clueless transposed Jane Austin’s Emma.

However, where Easy A differs is that it is not an adaptation but rather the Scarlet Letter is a touchstone for the story. Olive openly references The Scarlet Letter and identifies with its heroine Hester Prynne even going as far as wearing the same scarlet ‘A’ on her clothes to make a point and putting up with hypocritical religious persecution from her peers. But Easy A also openly refers to other more contemporary sources for inspiration – mostly 80’s teen movies by the likes of John Hughes. Olive makes the point that her story is not like any 80’s teen movie. She wishes it was and that she could get the same cool but pointless musical number ala Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (she does), or get Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club (she does…kinda), or get the same romantic John Cusack boom box moment from Say Anything (she gets that too…also kinda). So as well as being a modern take on an old literary classic, it is also an open love letter to some of the great teen angst/romance movies of the last twenty plus years.

But Easy A also happens to be very funny and very cool in its own right. The script is snappy, witty and sharp. The performances likewise with the quality of the cast being pretty darn impressive. For your money you get:

Emma Stone
Thomas Haden Church
Lisa Kudrow
Malcolm McDowell
Amanda Bynes
Patricia Clarkson
…and Stanley Tucci.

Clarkson and Tucci especially do some truly great work as Olive’s funny, loving, supportive yet rather offbeat parents. You can tell they were having a blast.

But, y’know what? The oddest thing occurred to me while watching Easy A.

The style of acting, of dialogue and delivery…I almost felt like I was watching a Shane Black film.

Or rather a Shane Black/Joss Whedon/John Hughes hybrid film.

It has that same cool, snarky, one liner, insult filled attitude of Shane Black mixed with the witty, pop culture/classic culture references, verbal word play and thematic layering of Whedon, plus the whole teen angst/wish fulfilment thing of Hughes. I was watching Shane Black’s Kiss Kiss Bang Bang the other night and loving it. And watching Easy A reminded me (rather bizarrely) a whole heap of that film.

Sidebar: how bloody great is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? I adore it. Best Downey Jr role ever. Period. So why is Shane Black not making more movies? Answer: cuz judging by Kiss Kiss Bang Bang he pretty much hates Hollywood. End of sidebar.

Now, stay with me here.

Okay, so why does a violent, sweary comedy/action thriller from 2005 remind me of a teen high school comedy drama from 2010? Like I said above, Easy A shares with Black’s film that same style of clever, witty, smart-ass talk and ‘tude along with some great insults and put downs. Like KKBB, it also has the central character telling their story to the audience and narrating that story all the way through. Plus, both films main characters start out as total nobodies, rather hopeless cases. Though smart and sweet, they are both social outsiders who, through lies and some stupid decisions, become involved in a series of events that they then try to use to their advantage but which rapidly spiral out of control. There is also a childhood crush in both films who become part of the ongoing plots. Of course, there are no violent gun fights, fist fights or car chases in Easy A, just a swift, snappy, witty script and some top notch acting all round. Plus Emma Stone. And Emma Stone is great. She alone would make this film worth seeing. The script, style, and remaining cast make it pretty much unmissable. Sure, it all ends happily and the resolution is kinda formula and cheesy, but then Easy A is partly an ode to those kinds of films. And, anyway, the journey to the film's end has been an immensely fun one so I can forgive it.

So, yeah, Easy A. It’s a really good movie and a star making turn for Emma Stone who has the talent and the charisma to be big…Bullock and Roberts big.

In 2012 we’ll see Emma in the Spider-Man reboot as Gwen Stacey, Peter Parker’s love interest. Of course she’ll be great in it. We know that. I just hope she doesn’t get stuck in the girlfriend role too often and gets to have plenty more of her own leads. Cuz this lass certainly deserves 'em. Nice one, Emma. 4 (out of 5)

With Tom your entertainment value is up here, without him it's down here…

KNIGHT AND DAY

In KNIGHT AND DAY Tom Cruise is Roy, who may or may not be a demented superspy gone rogue, and who drags innocent bystander June, played by Cameron Diaz, around the world with him in a car chasing, gun fighting, plane crashing adventure. Apparently it all has something to do with weapons dealers and a new energy source and the scientist kid who invented it.

I wasn’t gonna bother with a review for this film because it really doesn’t merit one. This ain’t INCEPTION or TOY STORY 3. Both of those have far more weight and meaning in their first few seconds than KNIGHT AND DAY can muster in its entire 107 minutes. That by itself is not a criticism. I have nothing against vacuous movies that only set out to entertain on a purely surface level. Nothing wrong with that at all. Some of my favourite films do that. The problem is that this latest effort from Mr Mad Sofa Jumper…I mean Tom Cruise, though a reasonably enjoyable action comedy romance thingy, quickly starts fading from your mind as soon as the credits begin to roll. It is pure formula fluff. It is lightweight almost to the point of being thin air. It is silly yet tries to inject a bit of seriousness here and there. It really shouldn't have.

With KNIGHT AND DAY you can tell they were trying to go for the whole screwball comedy/romance thing – a kind of throwback to the old 30’s/40’s films that might then have starred Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn – only dressed up now as a big budget summer actioner. However it doesn’t really work. The characters are too thin and the jokes just aren’t that funny, smirksome is about all that can be managed. Good ol’ Tom, (I don’t care what anyone says, I love the guy) he does his best and he is a lot of fun to watch. But the material doesn’t really serve him. A smarter, wittier script should have been the basis here. As his partner in screen time, Cameron Diaz does what she is supposed to do – look cute and flustered, be a bit ditsy before getting it together by films end. But she isn’t especially good or funny, just adequate. The rest of the cast doesn’t make much of an impact either. As soon as you see Peter Sarsgaard’s name you know he is gonna be the bad guy. And he plays it just as you’d expect - slimy and obvious. Arguably the best of the supporting bunch is one-time-Buffy-boyfriend Riley Finn aka Marc Blucas who gives a nicely innocent, goofy turn as Rodney, June’s Fireman ex-boyfriend.

But, look, James Cameron already made this movie sixteen years ago. A big budget star driven screwball comedy/action/romance adventure. It was called TRUE LIES. And it was and still is frikking amazing!

KNIGHT AND DAY is nowhere near to amazing, even though it's directed by James Mangold, a man who has made a load of films I love including GIRL, INTERRUPTED, IDENTITY, WALK THE LINE and 3:10 TO YUMA. To be fair he does a decent enough job here. The film certainly has energy and pace and he directs the plentiful action with that same energy and pace as well as a strong sense of timing and rhythm, though none of it ever reaches the wicked highs Mr Cameron managed sixteen years ago. But comparing anyone to James Cameron in the action stakes is kinda unfair. No, the main problem with the action stuff in KNIGHT AND DAY is that Mangold is let down badly by some truly awful digital effects. Effects that if Cameron saw them he’d immediately beat the shit out of the FX supervisor before firing the entire company. I saw background projection straight out of an 80’s Bond film along with some hugely unconvincing CGI vehicles and CGI assisted stunts. Plus it doesn’t help that the script is paper-thin (not a pun) and the characters likewise, so we aren’t really invested in them when they are running and jumping and shooting. But, to his credit, Mangold keeps it kinetic and keeps it fun so he hasn’t shamed himself and I’m still a fan.

Crap! This review is about double the length I was originally intending and way longer than this film deserves. So I’m gonna end it right after this next bit.

KNIGHT AND DAY is pure fluff but rises just a couple of notches above average thanks mainly to the efforts of Mr Cruise and Mr Mangold. However it won’t prove to be a stand out effort on either of their future CVs. File and forget. 2.5 (out of 5)

End of line.

It's called, like, life...or something.

Okay, so I was recently watching STARDUST again. You know the movie, the one with Claire Danes as the star who falls to Earth in a mystical kingdom behind a big old wall. And Claire is great in it. And that got me thinking about how I really should re-acquaint myself with the excellent, much loved but short-lived TV show that first introduced Ms Danes to the world at the then tender age of thirteen. So that’s exactly what I did.

MY SO-CALLED LIFE is an insightful, smartly written, smartly acted drama series that looks at the day to day life of a normal 15 year-old girl growing up in suburban America in the mid-nineties. Winnie Holzman was the series creator and head writer while Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick produced through their Bedford Falls production company. The show premiered in the US in August 1994. All nineteen produced episodes were aired in the following months with the series finale airing in January 1995. Despite a loyal fan base and widespread critical acclaim, ABC officially cancelled MY SO-CALLED LIFE in May ‘95 citing low ratings. But that didn’t stop the now defunct show being nominated for a string of awards including Emmys for writing and acting. Indeed, Claire Danes went on to win the 1995 Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actress in a TV-Series – Drama. Quite an achievement for such a youngster.

In MY SO-CALLED LIFE, Claire played Angela Chase, the show's fifteen-year-old main protagonist whose eyes we see most things through. The show's narrative structure is similar to that of a diary, Angela's diary, though it does break away to follow other characters independently of her. This quasi-diary format allows for the inclusion of regular narration from Angela, giving us access in to her deepest thoughts and observations, most of them having a wonderfully awkward yet oddly insightful resonance. The voice of a young girl struggling to make sense of herself, of her family, and of the wider world and her place in it.

“My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive."

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me."

And sometimes Angela’s thoughts are just dead-on darkly funny.

"Lately, I can't even look at my mother without wanting to stab her repeatedly."

"My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us."

"When I was 12, my mother gave me my sex talk. I'm not sure either of us has ever recovered."

I first saw MY SO-CALLED LIFE when it originally aired in the UK on Channel 4 back in 1995. I remember liking it quite a bit. And so a few years ago, while in a fit of nostalgia, I went and bought the DVD set. And watching it again I still really liked it. Actually I loved it and still do. And not just for nostalgia value either. Quite simply it’s a great show filled with painful, awkward honesty, and weird insights and observations. Most of the stories revolve around the realities of life that affect us all: who we are, who we want to be, our relationships with our parents and our friends, our struggles to find meaning in day to day drudgery and strife. The writing and acting is of a uniformly high quality with the then very young Ms Danes setting the gold standard for the rest of the cast that included such old pros as Bess Armstrong and Tom Irwin as parents Patty and Graham. Angela’s friends and the actors playing them are all excellent, too. The standouts being Wilson Cruz as the sensitive, caring Rickie who’s undeniably gay but has not yet properly admitted it to himself let alone to anyone else. Poor Rickie is a constant target for physical abuse from other kids as well as from his own family. He feels like an eternal outsider, as if he doesn’t fit in anywhere. And then there is A.J. Langer as Rayanne Graff, Ricky’s best friend who he is always looking out for and mostly trying to save from herself. Rayanne is a wild, cynical, crazy girl who drinks too much, avoids class and has had more sex with more guys than most girls twice her age. Langer is fantastic. She’s a wild little thing dressed in wild clothes and with a wilder attitude. But its an attitude that masks deep insecurities and a secret longing to be someone else, to have a life that is more like Angela’s supposed boring one. Together this odd couple of Rayanne and Rickie get some of the best lines in the show.

Rickie: "If you were about to do it, okay, what would you want the other person to say, like, right before?"
Rayanne: "This won't take long.'"
Rickie: "No, seriously."
Rayanne: "`Do I know you?'"

Rayanne: "A potential slut. Now where do people get that kind of idea about me?"
Rickie: "Research."

Part of the reason why MSCL worked and still does work is its tone and the truthful nature of the storytelling. The tone is (for the most part) down to earth and realistic. It doesn’t do the preachy ‘issue of the week’ thing – except for one major exception: the genuinely moving Christmas episode ‘So-Called Angels’. Instead MSCL opts to subtly and more honestly explore from the kids’ own points of view the recognisable everyday problems they deal with, problems more often than not mirrored in the adults lives, too. The main themes are of growing up and the search for identity. But the show also tells us that no matter how much we might change from childhood to teenager to adulthood, we will still remain as pretty much the same troubled, mixed up people, still stressing about similar things with only the context of our angst changing over time.

It would be easy to overlook the importance of MY SO-CALLED LIFE and its legacy. After it ended other US teen focussed dramas came and went, looking to do something similar, to pick up the baton. Shows such as the sickly and more traditional PARTY OF FIVE, the self-absorbed soap opera of DAWSON’S CREEK, and the similarly short-lived and much loved Judd Apatow produced FREAKS AND GEEKS. But, arguably, the show that really did take up the MSCL baton and run with it (albeit in weirder and wilder ways) was my beloved BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Joss Whedon is on record as being a huge MSCL fan. He said that when he was formulating BUFFY for TV his main inspiration was MY SO-CALLED LIFE. Indeed his original pitch for the show was MY SO-CALLED LIFE meets THE X-FILES. Joss took the basic concept of MSCL and in BUFFY explored many of the same themes creating a coming of age story about fitting in, finding an identity, handling the stresses and strains and pressures of high school, of growing up and of life in general. But what Joss did was to mostly address these themes through the use of allegory, using vampires, demons, apocalypses and whatnot to portray life’s everyday trials and tribulations. In my mind, Buffy Summers was indeed Angela Chase’s true (super) natural successor.

Anyway, MY SO-CALLED LIFE is over fifteen years old now and has never to this day been bettered in the non-supernatural teenage drama stakes. Sure, it’s starting to show its age somewhat with the grunge music and related fashions as well as the many Clinton era sidebars. Also the inclusion of “like” in the middle of almost every teenage sentence can get, like, a bit annoying. But the emotional and thematic foundations the show was built on are still just as sound and remain just as true. The music, the fashion, the language and the political landscape might change, but teenagers will always feel confused, insecure, alienated, as if their whole world could end at any moment over the slightest of things. But as MY SO-CALLED LIFE points out, guess what? As adults our lives might change, getting more complicated, becoming full of responsibility, but deep down inside many of us still feel exactly the same way we did at age fifteen: scared, confused, misunderstood, alone. The more we think we change the less we actually do. Getting older doesn’t necessarily mean getting wiser or smarter. It just means getting older. Says me who will soon turn forty. And who’s still not, like, wise, or smart…or something.

Opening credits

Nobody loses with The Losers

The Losers

Wow! So…um…The A-Team has a lot to live up to this summer.

The Losers is an action movie based on a comic book from DC/Vertigo about a band of special forces guys who get framed on a job they were doing. Left for dead in Central America, they eventually get the chance to return Stateside in order to enact their revenge and clear their names. So far so very A-Team. Now I’ve not read the original comic this movie was based on so I have no idea how much of a rip off…I mean homage to the much loved eighties TV series it is. All I do know is that, as a movie, The Losers rocks! The story of The Losers is pure nonsense. But it doesn’t matter. The script by Peter (The Rundown, Hancock) Berg and James (Zodiac) Vanderbilt is fun, tight, fast-paced, witty, and sharp as sharp can be. The direction by Sylvian White is stylish mixing glossy, fast cut MTV/Michael Bay-isms with a hefty dose of Peter Berg’s own hand held grit. But neither styles overplay themselves, they just mix wonderfully and give The Losers its own distinctive comic book look and feel.

But above all else it’s the terrific cast that truly makes this film. Right from the get go each and every one of them radiates effortless charisma and charm. They all seem immensely comfortable playing off each other, like riffing jazz musicians in one of the coolest bands you’ve ever heard. But at the core of it all are four great performances. The team’s leader is the tough, laconic and hugely charismatic Jeffrey Dean Morgan. You might remember him as Edward ‘The Comedian’ Blake in Watchmen. Dean Morgan is like a more world weary Robert Downey Jr minus the smartass. And spookily he looks a lot like him too, only a beefier and more rumpled version. His gruff sparring with the also great Idris Elba is a wonderful character cornerstone to the movie. Chris Evans plays the teams tech guy and the main source of comic relief. Evans once again shows why he is a big star just waiting to go stratospheric. He brims with charm and humour, but, as he proved with the likes of Danny Boyle’s Sunshine, he is also a genuinely strong actor. Plus he isn’t afraid to take the piss out of himself as he does to great effect here. His character in The Losers is a bit of dork who can’t talk to women and is mostly unaware of his own dorkishness. The sequence where he infiltrates a tech company to steal info from a computer is hilarious. I never laughed so hard at a Journey song. Luckily for us Chris has been cast as Captain America in Marvel’s upcoming movie adaptation of its legendary patriotic hero, which means he will also play the dual lead with Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man in Joss Whedon’s movie of The Avengers. Wow! My head nearly exploded just attempting to contain the enormous geeky coolness of that sentence. And then there is Zoe Saldana in the femme fatale role. Ah, Zoe. I’m so in love with this girl it ain’t funny. Last year with Star Trek and Avatar she proved she was a wonderful actress with so much natural poise and feeling to her performances. Here she is just as good, although her character doesn’t have as much depth to work with as in those previous two films. But she is still an intense presence who looks stunning and who moves with a seductive feline grace. Maybe it’s the trained ballet dancer in her but she moves like nobody else on screen. You can tell Zoe from only her silhouette, purely from the way she moves. Also, in this movie, she is in what is probably THE greatest single shot of the year: stood tall and poised atop a cargo container while firing a rocket launcher from the hip. In slow motion. As sexy and lethal as all hell. But for all good heroes you have to have a good villain. And with The Losers we do get a good villain, a very good one. Which brings me to the fourth top-notch performance in the movie: Jason Patric as the vicious, sarcastic Max. He’s coldly evil, casually shooting a girl dead just because she accidentally moved the parasol she held over his head to let in some sun. And then, later on, he is bitingly sarcastic to his main henchman in what are some wonderfully amusing put-downs. It is that nasty sarcasm that does the trick. You rarely get that in films - especially American films. But Patric does it so well here. He really is a cold, snide, ruthless, ghastly monster. And what more could you want from a comic book bad guy?

So, in the end, despite the visual razzmatazz and the very cool action, it is the cast and the characters of The Losers that stays with you. It has that feeling of a perfect group coming together to make magic happen. It’s like watching Firefly/Serenity, or Predator, or the new Trek movie. Every role has been perfectly defined, cast and played, with the group chemistry being immediate and evident. Together this band of brothers (and sister) light up the screen, and by films end you just wanna be able to hang out with them and have a few beers and a few laughs. I loved The Losers. A lot. I had a huge grin on my face all the way through (when I wasn’t drooling over Zoe). It entertained me in a big way. And I can’t wait to see it again. 4.5/5

The Losers trailer

Juno: The Cautionary Whale

Juno is the film that made two people in to piping hot properties. Firstly, Ellen Page, the young actress who plays the title character. Secondly, Diablo Cody, the film’s writer and one time stripper lady who won an Oscar for her wordsmithing of Juno, a small, offbeat but immensely charming film told in a visually as well as a verbally creative way by director Jason (son of Ivan) Reitman.

But even though I really liked Juno, I can certainly see it being an acquired taste for many. Looking at the boards and reviews on IMDB some people really do dislike this film. And there was me thinking the venom was entirely reserved for Cody’s follow up, the much-maligned feminist horror flick Jennifer’s Body, a film I also really like despite the countless hostile naysayers.

I get where Cody is coming from as a writer. At least I like to think I do. But I also understand how a lot of people will just find her stuff glib, annoying and utterly unrealistic. It’s not for everyone. The witty, quippy, pop culturally enhanced teen speak she invents does really seem to bug those who say things like ‘Oh but teenagers never really speak like that.’ True, most teens or adults don’t. But Cody isn’t writing a documentary here. She’s doing creative writing. Emphasis on the creative. The truth is that each new generation uses language slightly differently. They invent new words or use old words to mean new things. To my mind Cody is doing the same thing Joss Whedon did with Buffy and then later with Firefly. Or what Tarantino always does. She plays with and orchestrates language. She has fun with it. She gives it a rhythm and a meaning it wouldn’t necessarily otherwise have. Just saying her stuff is bad is like saying Tarantino’s stuff is bad because people don’t really speak like he makes his characters speak. Newsflash! In real life people don’t speak how almost everyone in movies or TV speak. In reality people mangle words, use wrong words, use slang, swear, give fractured sentences, make Freudian slips, talk over each other, forget what they were gonna say etc. Movies aren’t reality. A movie is an artificially constructed narrative. It is a form of art and entertainment. At best movies are a heightened sense of reality. And I for one love the rhythmic witty flow of Cody’s words. Especially when wonderful actors as there are in Juno deliver those words.

So what’s the story of Juno? A very simple one really.

A sparky, witty, sixteen year old girl called Juno Macguff (Page) finds herself pregnant by her quiet, timid, rather bewildered track and field dedicated friend Pauly Bleeker (Michael Cera) after engaging in what seemed like some good-idea-at-the-time sex. Knowing she doesn’t want to keep the baby, as she’s far too young and unprepared to be a mommy, Juno decides on an abortion. However, the bleak and decidedly grim clinic, plus a great Emily (Ginger Snaps) Perkins as its punky, flavoured condom obsessed receptionist sends Juno running out pretty darn quick. Plan A scuppered, Juno resorts to Plan B. Together with her best friend Leah (Olivia Thirlby) she decides to find a suitable well-to-do couple to adopt the sprog when it finally pops out. Through some local small ads she finds Mark and Vanessa Loring (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner) a yuppyish couple in their thirties living in a big house in the ‘burbs who are desperate to adopt a baby. Meeting the couple along with her supportive dad (the always awesome J. K. Simmons), Juno likes the pair and agrees to hand junior over when he or she arrives. Over the next few weeks and months, as she gets ever bigger and is nicknamed the ‘Cautionary Whale’ by her fellow students, Juno starts working out and re-evaluating her friendship with Bleeker while also getting to better know the adopting parents of her forthcoming tyke. But as the big day of baby delivery becomes imminent, Juno’s plans begin to unravel in rather dramatic fashion. And the clock is ticking, counting down fast to B-day. Just what is she going to do now?

At heart Juno is a simple romantic comedy/drama. It’s the story of a young girl who gets herself in to a situation that countless young girls have in the past and will continue to in the future. But Juno Macguff is a great character. Tough and strong willed, she takes charge from the get go. She is in control. She makes big decisions and doesn’t doubt them. She guides her own life all the way through. It is refreshing to see a story about teenage pregnancy that is neither preachy nor moralistic nor emotionally overwrought in any way. It simply presents the situation as is and the family then deal. Nobody erupts in anger or accusations or whatnot. Luckily Juno’s dad is a mellow and supportive man. Of course he tries to blame himself, in private asking his wife, Juno’s stepmom, “Is this my fault? Why did this happen?” To which his wife simply answers: “Teenagers have intercourse.” Simple, honest and true.

What makes Juno work as well as it does are two big things. Firstly, the fun, creative and witty script that doesn’t pander to any potentially moralistic issues or to where you might think this story would or should go. The dialogue is always lively and precisely constructed with lines that will make you laugh out loud. Take this little gem of a conversation that had me howling.

Juno: “...and the receptionist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfriends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, ‘Hi babies have fingernails.’ Fingernails!!”
Leah: “Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?”

And J. K Simmons’ classic: “Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.”

And then there is dialogue that sounds exactly like Joss Whedon had written it.

Juno: "Hey, Dad."
Dad: "Hey, big puffy version of June bug. Where you been?"
Juno: "Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level."

But the dialogue would be useless if the right actors didn’t deliver it.

Which brings me nicely to Ellen Page.

In my mind this girl is one of the finest young actresses of her generation. She was awesome in Hard Candy and I loved her recently in Whip It. She was fine but wasted in X-Men 3. But here, in Juno, as Juno, she strikes pure solid gold. She is the film. It’s that simple. She’s in virtually every scene and just commands the screen with such natural charisma and effortless charm and skill. She makes you laugh out loud but always has a sweet vulnerability about her that makes you just want to take care of her. Possibly because, despite actually being in her early twenties, she still looks about fourteen and is so very little. But a big, big talent is bound up in that little package of cuteness. The North Americans have Ellen (she’s Canadian) and we Brits have Carey Mulligan, two young, luminous and immensely gifted actresses who are simply a joy to watch. But Ms Page is not alone in being fab in this film. The supporting cast is top notch too starting with the always brilliant J.K. Simmons as Mac, Juno’s dad. Simmons is a fantastic character actor with flawless comic instincts. He was, for me, one of the very best things about the Spider-Man films playing J. Jonah Jameson. Alison Janney plays his wife Brenda. Janney is a fine actress with plenty of kindly gravitas, who is best known for her role as CJ in The West Wing. Olivia Thirlby as Juno’s best friend Leah is also great. She is a bundle of carefree fun and energy, always ready with a sly comeback or witty retort. Michael Cera is very good too as Bleeker even if he is just doing the same schtick he always does. And Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner provide strong support as the baby’s adoptive parents to be. Bateman is playing it straighter and lower key than he normally does but is still very good while Garner is beautiful, poised, obsessive and just a little sad as the hopeful mom to be.

In the end, Juno is a great little film that tells a simple story with a lot of heart and a lot of very funny and creative language. Jason Reitman does a spot on job directing and the film always looks great with the passing of time and the seasons shown in some truly vibrant beauty. He also includes little flourishes such as animation and the odd quick cutaway to enhance a mood or a story point. But such things are few and far between and don't detract from his main directorial style of just letting the actors get on with delivering the script as written. But if nothing else Juno is worth seeing for the brilliance of Ellen Page, a young actress who is now one of my favourites and who will hopefully have a long and fruitful career. I am also looking forward to what Diablo Cody writes next. As far as I’m concerned the lady is two for two. And third times the charm.

Trailer

Whip It: Juno meets Gertie...on wheels.

Whip It is Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut. And storywise it is nothing original whatsoever.

But that’s perfectly fine as the one time E.T. moppet, then hell raiser, then acclaimed movie star’s first stab at film direction is a hugely entertaining, quirky and affecting little comedy/drama that shows its newbie director has a potentially big future behind the camera lens.

Seventeen-year-old misfit Bliss Cavender (the always great Ellen Page) lives in the tiny Texan town of Bodine with her mum (the wonderful Marcia Gay Harden) and her dad (holy crap it’s Daniel Stern) and her little sister (Eulala Grace Scheel – real life daughter of Marcia Gay Harden). Bliss spends her time either at school, or working as a waitress with her best friend Pash (the funny and charming Alia Shawkat) or attending witless beauty pageants to please her mom who used to do the same in her youth. Then, one day, while on a shopping trip to Austin, Bliss catches sight of a bunch of cool looking girls on roller-skates giving out flyers for a Roller Derby league. Bliss is fascinated. And so, lying to her parents about what she’s really doing, she goes along for a look-see. And loves it. So much so that she gets invited for tryouts for the Hurl Scouts, the local rag tag, underdog roller derby team. Due to her impressive speed on wheels (plus lying about her age), Bliss makes the team despite her general lack of aggression. Now a full fledged Hurl Scout she adopts the moniker Babe Ruthless and quickly bonds with her new teammates - a gaggle of rather eccentric women in their twenties and thirties who don’t seem to really care anything about winning much to the exasperation of their long suffering coach. However with the addition of Bliss the Scouts do now actually start to win…much to their surprise. This soon leads to some big time rivalry in the form of Juliet Lewis (on good bad girl form) as Iron Maven, leader of the top team in the league, who has takes an instant dislike to Bliss and her rising Roller Derby stardom.

Now, its gotta be said…

The Hurl Scouts are a fantastic creation!

Every single one of them is a wonderfully drawn character with a daft-yet-funny team name, the only names we get to know them by. But the standouts are Maggie Mayhem (Kristen Wiig), the kindly den (single) mother of the bunch who takes Bliss under her wing and helps her out when things get tough at home. Then there’s the awesome Smashley Simpson (Drew Barrymore) who is just so crammed full of excitable aggression that in virtually every game she ends up being sent off for beating up a rival player after being smashed bloodily in the face or sent flying on the roller rink. And a special mention goes out to Zoe Bell as Bloody Holly. It was great to see Zoe onscreen again after her cool role in Tarantino’s Death Proof where she essentially played herself, a tough-as-nails stuntwoman. Zoe’s not the best of actresses but she does have an undeniable screen presence and an easy, likeable charm to her. Plus you just know she could kick your arse well and truly.

And so with Bliss/Babe Ruthless now a crucial part of the Scouts new found success the stage is set for an extremely fun and funny coming of age/underdog tale. Can Bliss continue to help the Scouts win? Will her new life alienate her best friend, Pash? Will her lying to her parents about what she’s been doing as well as to her teammates about her real age come back to haunt her? Will Bliss’s parents - especially her mother – see that she is truly good at something she loves and allow her to live her own life and not the one they want for her?

Like I said before, this is nothing original. And it doesn’t matter one jot as the execution of Whip It is wonderful. The script by Shauna Cross from her own semi-autobiographical novel is fun, spiky and also quite insightful in its own way. It is filled with some great characters and moments that Drew Barrymore as director translates expertly on to the screen in her own slightly offbeat way. I’ve always loved Drew. She’s a talented comedy actress full of natural charm and charisma who has now proven with Whip It that she is just as adept at staging and directing comedy as she is at performing it. But amongst all the funny she also finds the moments that work as pure cinema and pure emotion. Two that jumped out at me were when Pash and Bliss dance together around the diner to Dolly Parton’s Jolene…only making up their own lyrics about their sucky town. And a beautifully shot and edited love scene in a swimming pool using only music and no dialogue. There are plenty of other great moments too including everything with Marcia Gay Harden as Bliss’s mum. For at its heart Whip It is a story about a mother and a daughter who have to come to terms with each other. The mother must learn to let go of her growing up child, to let her begin living her own life. And the child needs to learn to listen to the wisdom and to the emotional maturity of her mother, which is there albeit hidden under a layer of hypocrisy (e.g. the running gag about mum hiding her smoking). And it is here that you can see thematic parallels to Drew’s own troubled relationship with her own mother, the stuff of tabloid news now for years.

The visual style of the film is also something worth mentioning. The story is clearly set in present day. However the aesthetic mixes in the 1970’s (music, hairstyles, décor, record players, 8 track tapes etc.) with our contemporary world outside. There is a distinct indie vibe to the whole thing including the sorts of music used and the quirky feel to the direction. This is enhanced by the stylised and colourful photography by regular Wes Anderson collaborator Robert Yeoman. Put this all together and you have a very funny and warm comedy/drama that stands with one foot firmly in the mainstream but the other tiptoeing lightly in indieville.

Sadly Whip It made no impact at all at the US box office last year where it grossed a paltry total of $13m despite gaining positive critical reaction. Perhaps the cheesy idea of Roller Derby put people off. Or maybe they found the film just a bit too quirky for mainstream audiences. I dunno. But hopefully Whip It will eventually find itself an audience. It deserves to. It’s a hugely enjoyable little flick that had me smiling and laughing all the way through.

Way to go Gertie!

When is a romcom not a romcom?

(500) Days of Summer is a quirky and amusing little romcom that is not a normal romcom, playing against most of the rules of that genre. Firstly, as the narrator tells us, this is NOT a love story. And then the film tells us this non-love story non-linear by dipping in and out at random within the 500 days that Tom and Summer are together to see where things went right and where they went wrong in their relationship.

James Gordon-Levitt is Tom, a pleasant and romantic young greetings card writer and wannabe architect. Zooey Deschanel is Summer, a fun filled girl who comes to work at Tom's place and who he immediately falls for. And Summer likes him too. Problem is she doesn't believe in love or relationships. And over the 500 days they are together we see how Tom's expectations and hopes start to come undone as he realises that the girl he believes is 'the one' might not share the same opinion about him. Or anyone. Or does she?

Both leads are very good. Gordon-Levitt is a good actor with an everyman charm about him that makes him easy to like and sympathise with and Deschanel is cute and sparky as the cynical but fun Summer. They are both good value to watch as are the supporting cast. The script is always amusing if never hilarious but it does have interesting insights in to the myth of love and romance. There is a great sequence where Tom has an angry rant at work about how movies and greetings cards and the world in general lies to us about love, selling us a product, not letting people say what they really feel. Poor dude is suffering but he has a good point.

Remarkably, though, (500) Days of Summer does have a fairly happy ending. It's just not the one you would expect from any normal romcom. And hooray for that.